Here at Philebrity, we care. Senile gossip columnist/medium through which the dead speak A.D. Amorosi has been writing his weekly “Icepack” column since the early 1940s, when he arrived in Philadelphia, fresh from Transylvania with nothing but a pack of clove cigarettes and the clothes on his back. Given the reformed vampire’s long tenure, Amorosi has developed a shorthand writing style — for newcomers, his writing is often impenetrable, prompting some to compare him to, variously, Proust and Bobby Brown — and often, backstory is at a premium when taking him in. As a public service to both our readers and A.D.-as-institution, Philebrity offers “The Annotated A.D. Amorosi”:

Scott Johnston [pictured] — he feuds for fun. [1] He fought with the Puppet Karaoke kids and yelled at venues that didn’t give in to his Aqua Teen party demands. [2] So we knew Johnston — wearing his hat as honcho for the Independent branch of April’s TLA/Philadelphia Film Festival [3] — got irked when he saw that Media Bureau was starting something called Philadelphia Independent Film Fest in June [4] . So it’s PFF vs. PIFF. Fuck Be Kind, Rewind, vid-nerds. [5] This is Rip Torn/Norman Mailer/ear-biting film-feud stuff. Especially since it’s rumored that PFF previously pooh-poohed Media Bureau’s Order of the Quest series. [6] Media Bureau’s J.D. Clark reminds me that the NoLibs studio/café/gallery has [...7...] Clark has fond memories of Johnston. “I was once confronted by Scott years ago in Lucy’s Hat Shop during one of my old Phillysmooth parties[8] , which showed pre-screened indie films — that also happened to start on the same night as his Fancy Pants Cinema did on Tuesdays,” laughs Clark. “Scott came before he started his gig [and] shook my hand while calling me the enemy several times during our four-minute conversation.” [9] All in good fun. And Johnston — a man with a tongue surgically implanted to his cheek? “Is the PFF not ‘independent’ enough? Media Bureau are great folk, but their title is very similar to pre-existing festivals.” Johnston doesn’t “ahem” but it’s implied. [10] “I do have them as MySpace friends so how much can I really have against ‘em?” [11]

After the jump, we translate.

1. This my friend Scott. Like most of the people I write about, Scott is FROM THE 90S! Muwa-ah-ah!
2. In the 1990s, we believed one’s own “edginess” to be directly correlative to the number of arguments one could generate in scenes that basically nobody but the inhabitants of said scene cared about.
3. I should also tell you that Scott perfected this game described above so well that he now sits on the board of every festival in town. Much like I have infiltrated YOUR BLOOD, he has infiltrated the arts community, such as it is, as though and as if, it was a DISCO. (I am contractually obligated to make an LCD Soundsystem reference every 48 hours as a holdover from a deal I made with a Captiol Records rep, coked out of my brain, in the bathroom at Revival some time in late 1989. I thank you for your patience.)
4. I’ve been keeping Media Bureau alive in here for the better part of seven years now. I like to give back.
5. As a comfort to my editors at City Paper, who often wonder if I’ve been turning in the same five columns since the first Bush Administration, I frequently reference current films.
6. I can assure you I’ve been told that this is gossip someone cares about.
7. Plug for Media Bureau’s screening things. I give until it HURTS, I tell you. Which, not to pat myself on the back too much, is a rare trait in a vampire. I’ve come a long way, baby.
8. Again, the 1990s. Sigh.
9. See item #2. The man is a TIGER. Relentless.
10. In candor, I must admit: When relaying this item to me, Scott in fact “AHEM”-ed more than nine times. It was quite annoying. But like Lloyd Cole once said, “Spin, spin, whiskey and sin, I suffer for my art/Bartender, I’ve got wild mushrooms growing in my heart.”
11. What is this MySpace thing? I must find out.

Icepack: Since The Dawn Of Man, I Have Always Been, Your A.D. Amorosi

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm.