So I was close to being stranded in another country with 3 euros to my name and 10 minutes left to check in before the final flight back to the States for the day, which if missed, would have me crashin’ at l’aeroport like Tom Hanks in Terminal. But just like Lupe, I go over bols’ heads sometimes. Gotta pour champagne on a bitch…

This Shit Is Universal

Dateline — Paris, last week. When Friendly Fires say they’re gonna take you out to Club Showcase, they’re talking about a real place. But any club that’s stumbling distance to the Eiffel and name-dropped in a popular song has got to be the most jumped-on leftovers around, you say? That’s why it’s concealed under the bridge.

If beauty is nothing to you and you can tear your eyes away from the Seine, head towards the ropes outside the entrance like it’s top exclusive. Inside, it’s all stone columns and a mile-long bar dispensing $12 vodka &’s. Get used to thinking that everything and everyone is breathtaking and gorgeous, because it is, and you will. Were there a Le Transite, this it would be, but plus mod, plus sterile, and plus trendy. Water flowed from sinks that you didn’t have to touch with hand dryer technology that I wasn’t aware of, and pretty faces lined up around the mirrors, in conversation this way. If you’ve ever been to Pod in West Philly, nod. The age clock stops at 24, and they’re like us, sure, but in fancier clothing and with cocktails instead of beer. It’s high-fashion with dirty-scum-cool tags. Before you think I’m dusting off your self-esteem, it’s not all electro rainbows.

I can’t even find the DJ, he’s tucked away from the party, which is unsettling, although the tunes he’s knocking at us are hot, wet nouvelle disco. He could easily spin Medusa and all of you would bow. Is the music low? Or maybe we’re just deaf in the ‘Delph? Two bands play, but who is there for that? Not these sylphs.

The twiggy Victoria, a young fashion student from London with a Posh Spice haircut, is like a moth to the flame of my new Zadig & Voltaire. Not exactly what I was going for, but I’ll take a dance cohort, sure. She drags me from the melee to the bar where her friends are sucking down tequila shots with two French baby boys who I’ll put at 18.

“Tell me where the soiree is tomorrow,” I say, moving aside so that the bottle service waiters can hustle by with giant buckets of booze. There’s always that one person you lock eyes with and you think “Oh, DAMN KID.” And you gulp. Try doing that 30 times straight.

Victoria Tequila lays on me her Paris Nightlife Itinerary for the next 3 days, which will put me at Rex Club and Point Ephemere on the party-hunt. When you read your mother’s Harlequins as a kid and promised that the use of the word “coltish” to describe a female would never happen on your watch, the future destroys you.

Julien Med Student, however, was not coltish. He wasn’t low on English and short, either. I even gave him my Philebrity business card so that, instead of using it to access my extensive works, he can use it as a drug instrument (that is such bad etiquette, you know).

I tend to run off before I’ve had my fill, before I adopt someone into my hotel room. I could battle for a taxi or I could walk back past the darkened fronts of Loreal, Dior, and Chanel, dreams so good.

I come back to you, a little dazzled, a touch dizzy. I still like the way you work it, no pretenses, cheap t-shirts, nine motherfuckers piling into one car. Sometimes there is not a fucking thing I want more than to nibble on animal crackers at the Barbary for the Zoo and have a girl ask if she can take a picture of my ass, which as far as Parties With Themes go, nails it.

Animal crackers are a low-fat snack.

I’m fairly certain that when all is said and done, when I’m 29 and have passed port through every town that’ll have me, you’re the party capital of the world. Can we go to bed now?

DO WANT/DO NOT WANT

Stores With Sneaker Caves (Like Cheese Caves)/Roasting Sneakers On A Meat Cooker
The $50 Gossip Girl Grilled Cheese With Black Truffles/T Mom’s $2 Grilled Cheese
Watercoolers At Bars/Secret Info
Evian’s Entire Skincare Line/Your Party-Detox Routine

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 17th, 2008 at 3:00 pm.