This Week In Balls: The Lesser Of 8 Evils
Even though the Birds are out, the NFL playoffs are still worth attention. Now, it’s hard to get that excited about all those other teams, but lets face it, there are seven games left that can be used as excuses to drink beer in the middle of a perfectly good afternoon.
After the jump, Michael Fichman always looks on the bright side of life, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
Even though the Birds are out, the NFL playoffs are still worth attention. Now, it’s hard to get that excited about all those other teams, but lets face it, there are seven games left that can be used as excuses to drink beer in the middle of a perfectly good afternoon. Since God’s my team, the Steelers are eliminated, I’m right there with you. And I figured I’d do a public service and prepare a handy viewers guide which assesses the remaining teams in terms of their root-ability. That way, we can get back to screaming and hating the (surrogate) home team.
NFC
Dallas Cowboys
Uhhhh. No. Fuck these guys. Next.
New York Giants
Rooting for the current Giants squad is probably similar to rooting for the Eagles: Quarterback Eli Manning is a really frustrating player, the whole team is prone to epic failure. But again, no can do. I mean, these are the Giants were talking about here. Unfortunately, the Giants are playing the Cowboys this weekend, so either root for a meteor to hit the stadium or pull for the Giants, because at least they don’t have T.O. on their team.
Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are a pretty milquetoast side. I mean, they’re from Seattle, which isn’t exactly a hardscrabble football kind of place, but there’s nothing particularly offensive about them either. Depending on your tastes, their uniforms either make them look like a futuristic rollerball team or a puddle of gummy-worm puke. So there’s that. Not dislikable, not particularly likable. Kind of a “push” here.
Green Bay Packers
OK, now here’s a team I think we could get behind. Brett Favre is about a million years old, and if you can ignore the fact that John Madden and every other football commentator is sniffing his jock every thirty seconds, he’s really exciting to watch. The guy throws the ball about a million times a game, seemingly into a void half the time. Besides, this is a team that wasn’t even supposed to be anywhere close to the playoffs. Furthermore, the team plays in Green Bay, which is probably as rugged and football-ish a place as it gets. Blue collar appeal in spades. The Packers have to be the NFC pick here. Let’s pull for them over the more neutral Seahawks this weekend.
AFC
New England Patriots
The Patriots are kind of the new evil empire in football. They loaded up on all the best free agents this off season, then they got caught cheating by the league early in the year, then they ran the table and were the first to go undefeated in a 16-game season. Their coach has absolutely no manners and dresses like a hobo. Their quarterback bangs supermodels and actresses. So, like the Yankees (or the Yankees 2.0 — the Red Sox), you either love them or hate them. Me? I can’t stand the motherfuckers, but I can’t say I’m not a little intrigued by the prospect of their becoming only the second team in history to have an undefeated season. 90% hate em, 10% kind of hate em. Let’s hope they lose (and even better, cry afterwards!), but if they don’t I suppose that’s OK too.
Indianapolis Colts
The Patriots have cast a big shadow across the NFL this year, but remember, the Colts are the defending champs, and they have everybody’s favorite TV shill, Peyton Manning, who could probably sell snark to Joey Sweeney. In the past few years, I have to think that Manning’s ubiquitous presence and whiny “Manning-face” made these guys as or more dislikable than the Patriots, but I think they have some sentimental cache because hey, they aren’t the Patriots. Subtract a few points for Coach Tony Dungy’s evangelical gay-hating and voila! You’ve got another team to root against.
Jacksonville Jaguars
I know what you’re thinking, Fich is going to trash the Jags after they beat his Steelers last week. Wrong. In fact, I kind of like these guys. They earned my grudging respect for being the biggest, nastiest, most physical team I’ve seen all season. Seriously, everybody on the team is absolutely huge. They run the ball down your throat and they can win in the cold. A tough team. For a few bonus points, their coach, Jack Del Rio, has a really great name, periodically wears suits on the sideline and recently professed to watching a whole bunch of anal-oriented porn in a hotel (link safe for work, don’t worry). What a character! As much as I hate to say it, these guys have to be the sentimental favorite in the AFC. If they beat the Patriots this weekend, then the choice is easy!
San Diego Chargers
The Chargers benefit from being neither the Colts nor the Patriots and being from a city far away. So I suppose they are more like the Seahawks in character. Not particularly dislikable, but not super thrilling either. The two things the Chargers have going for them are the best uniform in football and the best running back in football. LaDainian Tomlinson is just a straight up beast, and the longer these guys play, the more we get to watch him. Unfortunately, the Colts are fixing to obliterate the Chargers this weekend. Sentimental favorite number two in the AFC.
Well, there you have it. Let’s root for a wildly improbable Jaguars-Packers Super Bowl. But homever you choose to root for, Eagles fans, make sure you hate them with a passion!
Michael Fichman is a writer and DJ living in Philadelphia. He also blogs at Just Sayin’ and Pour The Science. Read more editions of This Week In Balls here.
