This Week In Balls: Resolve Deez Nuts
I’m not much for New Year’s Resolutions — they’ve always seemed painfully arbitrary. I’ve always thought it’s better to be perpetually in the process of self improvement, and besides, I’m much more reflective on Rosh Hashana, when I make my Jewish New Year’s resolutions like “be a doctor” or “control more of the media from the center of the earth” or “be more pro-active about keeping my horns filed.” But this year, for the sake of entertaining my meager readership, I’ll offer some sports-related self improvement goals for the year 2008.
After the jump, Michael Fichman throws some frickin’ bones here.
This Week In Balls: Resolve Deez Nuts
Resolution #1: Improve dunking ability
Sure, it’s fun to rotate 360 degrees and dunk a basketball, but is that really so impressive if you’ve got your eyes open? Probably not. Any schmuck can do that. This year, I resolve to throw down at least one 720 in a pickup game and dunk more regularly from points beyond the foul line. If dunking from close to the basket, I resolve to put the ball behind my back and/or put one hand over my eyes to deliberately restrict my vision.
Resolution #2: Catch an opposition home run at a Phillies game and throw it back
When I was 17 or 18, I went to a game at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh and sat in the cheap bleacher seats. In the top of the 9th, Tony Gwynn of the Padres hit a game-tying home run. This Japanese guy in my section had been there all game, yucking it up with the mascot and generally enjoying himself with his buddy. So the Japanese guy catches the ball, and suddenly everybody in the section starts chanting, “Throw it back! Throw it back!” Dude is terrified. All of a sudden, he is surrounded by a group of agitated, disorderly Americans screaming at him in a way that implies impending violence. Maybe he had no clue what everybody wanted, but it was like one of those Takeshi-kitano game show segments where the audience eventually revels in the defeat and shame of the contestant. Was he going to get stripped to his underwear on live TV by an angry mob?
The guy looks at the ball, looks at the mob (Throw it back! Throw it back!) and looks at his friend. Looks at the ball, the mob and his friend. Repeat. Ultimately, in one smooth motion, he stashes the ball in his pocket and bolts up the steps and out into the concourse at top speed. Wow.
Anyway, he should have thrown it back.
Resolution #3: Come up with some abstract sports jokes/observations that nobody will understand
Not that I don’t do this anyway. I think I called Allen Iverson “Philadelphia basketball’s Alan Greenspan” last week. Of course, I’m not resolving to stop doing this, but I’m never one to stand in place — ever-increasing inscrutability in the ’08! For starters, I need to make more analogies that draw in painfully obscure music references, something I was known for during my days over at Phawker (can we say “Phawker” around here?) and over at Just Sayin. For example, I think it would be fair to call Jimmy Rollins the Bun B of baseball — he’s bombastic but reasoned. He’s universally respected but only seen as dominant by a provincial segment. Ya smell me? Didn’t think so. Get on my level!
Happy 2008, Philly!
Michael Fichman is a writer and DJ living in Philadelphia. He also blogs at Just Sayin’ and Pour The Science. Read more editions of This Week In Balls here.
