Talk Me Into It
By this point in December, you have three solid inches of candy cane stuck in your teeth that will not be removed. That’s two broken toothbrushes. That’s the freshest breath at the bar. Your hands will recall the scent of pine for the rest of the month, and every finger food that you transport will taste like it came from the forest. As Thornton Wilder once said, “without your wounds, where would you be…”
This Shit Comes With Free Shipping
This month is not on your terms. Less cool is, some of you like that. There’s a holiday party in that corner. If you turn your head, you will whipped with the wind of a thousand Best Of ’07 lists as column fodder from all of your favorite hacks. When you close your eyes, the numbers of your credit card will light up in the darkness of your mind, as they complete a gift transaction that you did not authorize. These are wholly irrational times that threaten the reason we do not quite have faithful stock of. It’s like dances with wolves. That is where my internal movie references all come to a dead-end. It’s all extensive knowledge of children’s lit from here on out. At last we bookmarked:
Jay McCarroll from Project Runway was totally ignored at Making Time, until his C-List celebrity shadow was completely tread on by the stampede of apathy.
Attention was reserved for the true fashioneers of that evening: the Rock Tits DJs gave homage to Dave P’s colorful promo-speak by wearing Sparkle Motion and Party Train Soldier tees.
Dante, Friend Of Practically Everyone in the New Scene, Graduate of Hands & Knees, was spotted in NYC, with a new address, new club itinerary, and a job at a place that sells Cheap Monday. Yes, he looks amazing, at least 1/3 cuter than when he left.
But lest the scene points spill out of my hands, I can at least spot you guys an alcoholic snack.
Circle of Thrift 25 Cents Cookbook Recipe
Beer Pancakes
1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 egg
3 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 tbsp. honey
1 can or bottle (12 oz) of beer
Combine first three ingredients, mix well. In separate bowl, whisk next 3 ingredients
with a fork. Add liquid mixture and beer to dry ingredients. Stir until smooth batter is formed. Lightly oil your skillet and drink beer while you wait for pancakes to cook.
Makes 2-3 happy.
DO WANT/DO NOT WANT
I have a lengthy list of demands and candidates for scorn with which to grace your lap and discuss:
Getting It Over With/Last Minute Holiday Whatevers
Hunting For Rare Magazines/Vice Caving In And Encouraging Subscriptions (Easily Accessible Is Not A Good Look)
When Girls Wear Kill City Neon Jeans For Men/Kill City Neon Jeans For Men
The Plot Of Juno/The Entire Shameless Script Of Juno
Not Even Going There, Let The Year Be/Your Best Of ’07 List Unless You’ve Got Clever On Lock
Sensual Seduction/Calling A Girl A Panther
The Gift Of Virginity/Trying To Convince Us That Your Silly Crafts Are Great Gift Ideas
Christian Louboutin Nike Dunks/Dressing Like You Live In Colorado, You Don’t
TrendFucking
Shopping With Your Cell Phone
Ever have a CAN’T FIND IT moment in a store, after scoping their website preemptively? If you think for one second that you know the store better than those under its employ, come again. Whip out your phone, pull up that site, and shove your phone into that coked out bitch’s face. They’ll know exactly where the item is and what sizes and colors it comes in. Your wireless is the best shopping assistant you have. Everyone else just slows you down. Do not enter the ring without it, unless you plan on walking out with clearance rack rejects. Now that’s a nice fucking day.
