Here at Philebrity, we are no strangers to reaching for the telephone in a cold sweat, fingers trembling in fear, punching in a few numbers and asking as soon as someone answers, asking “Fuck! Are we gonna get sued for this?” Always, on the end of the other line is one Conor Corcoran, Esq., our resident go-to guy for all things scary and legal. In lieu of today’s earth-shattering events, we called Conor to quiz about what legal fate may await Ms. Lane. What follows is our conversation…

OK, so in some ways, the craziest part about this whole arrest is the pullquote: “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE I AM A REPORTER YOU FUCKING DYKE.” If this is something she actually said, it is, of course, a fascinating window into this woman’s soul. But in a more nuts and bolts sense, is it a hate crime or hate speech, and if so, is it punishable by New York state or federal law?

Well, I hate to say it, but the police are human beings who are – surprise, surprise – prone to embellishing stories. So, the fucking dyke thing? Who knows whether she said it or not. That’ll play out in court proceedings – which in this circumstance, would most definitely be a New York state courtroom, and not federal.
If she was doing this across state lines – THEN it becomes a federal issue. Sometimes, what happens in New York city stays in New York city.

You mean, calling female cops “fucking dykes” while, say, in the Holland Tunnel?

Man, that would bring a whole new level to the whole B & T demographic, I suppose. But in that circumstance, the Port Authority might have some kind of default, NYC jurisdiction. Depends on whether or not she was on the left or right side of the tunnel. If you look closely enough as you cross the Holland, there actually is a demarcation line in the tiles on the walls.

OK, but I think we’re getting off the point here: Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that this woman was/is in fact stupid enough to call an NYC police officer a “fucking dyke.” What is the law?

She’s really got a problem, of course, because the complaining witness here is a police officer. If she were to assault, say, Joey Sweeney, in the midst of a homophobic rage, well it’s just simple assault, battery and/or a hate crime charge. But if the alleged victim is a police officer – that often ratchets up the charge automatically from a simple misdemeanor to a felony.
The law tends to protect its own in that regard. Assaulting government works usually means a more severe charge and/or penalty as a consequence. The hate crime charge is a relatively recent development, and I suspect that New York, like Pennsylvania, has one. But it’s a constitutionally dubious crime. By having hate crimes on the books, the government is essentially penalizing thought – and that’s troublesome.
Assault is assault is assault. The crime is in the act of striking someone, whatever your motivation. And generally, when someone hits another, they don’t like SOMETHING about the victim. Hate crimes legislation says, well, if you hit someone in a fashion evidencing some sort of animus towards the victim’s race/sexual orientation/etc., that’s an additional offense deserving of additional penalty. And that’s the problem – for the alleged criminal, and the victim. It’s well intentioned legislation, for sure, but I’m not sure that governmental penalization of thought is really what a progressive society should strive for.

So the most amazing Hyperspace Clusterfuck endgame of this all could — I’m saying “could” in the same way here that monkeys “could” fly out of my ass — be that NY State hate speech laws could be tried, for the first time ever, on this skank sorority trash that has morphed into a local (and now possibly national) celeb?

Absolutely. And, unfortunately, because she’s a celebrity, she’s likely to be prematurely convicted in the court of public opinion. But FYI – often this stuff doesn’t get to trial.

I am convicting the shit out of her right now! And you know what, barrister? It feels FUCKING AWESOME.

Especially if she’s a first time offender. Often there’s a diversionary program – anger management classes, apology letters, community service – so it might not get that far.

OK, enough what-if’s. If you were a betting man, what’s the end result of all this, legal-system-wise?

Nubbin’ much. Nobody’s going to jail over this. At absolute worst, a trial which, if she’s convicted, would involve probation at worst. More likely is a diversionary program. I gotta tell you though – the coverage this has gotten exposes how dangerous and detrimental the media can be towards eradicating someone’s right to a fair and unbiased trial. If the allegations are printed time and time and time again, eventually people believe them.
But I’ll tell ya – if this goes to trial, I suspect there’ll be a wee NYC excursion for you, me, and Dan Gross!

I wonder if we’ll get to meet Scores Man!

I might add, by the way, that it’s totally kosher to tell a police officer to go fuck themselves – legally. Practically, it’ll cause you a problem, but first amendment wise it’s just fine.

Conor, I thank you for your time.

I am, as ever, litigiously yours.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 17th, 2007 at 1:37 pm.