After the jump, Brian James Kirk unloads more cell phone knowledge than what we here at Philebrity deem healthy. Still, if you’re in the market, wow. Kirk, gettin’ crazy on the T9.

Technologicology Cell Phone Shopology
For Those Whom Cannot Afford An iPhone

When your cell phone contract finishes up at the end of this year, you’ve got a lot to think about, my friend. Sure, it starts off nice — you get the chance to play with about $5,000 worth of toys without a flinch from the sales clerk. But after that, Serious Sales Dude grabs you by the next two years of your life. Can you deal with the jeers of owning a Sidekick for that long? Are you going to grow out of your Bluetooth phase? We won’t even talk about what will happen if you buckle down and buy a BlackBerry.

I’ve decided to do the dirty work for you with the official Technologicology Cell Phone Shopology. The hardest part is up to you: What kind of commitment are you ready for?

Phones That Actually Have The Ability To Dial A Phone Call

Cingular 2125
AT&T: $29.99

Clutch Feature: You can watch PowerPoint presentations. Yeah, that’s right.

The 2125 is everything you could ask for in a phone and happens to be the cheapest Windows Mobile-based smart phone on the market. It’ll be the last time you’ll need to pay your carrier ten bucks to retrieve your contacts from your SIM card. Should you ever need to write an important cover letter on the subway to work, it comes with a mini version of Microsoft Word. Don’t worry; your friends will be laughing with you, not at you.

Cingular 3125
AT&T: $49.99

Clutch Feature: Niche nerd appeal.

Originally codenamed Star Trek, the 3125 looks so much like a Transcorder you’ll either be living your fantasy or reliving those years that your best friend was obsessed with The Next Generation. It’s got that slick front-face 12-hour clock that will make you look almost as classy as Kirk, but not nearly enough to get you laid that much. Oh, and it’s got Windows Mobile too, so if you can’t keep those contacts organized, you just suck.

Sidekick ID
T-Mobile: $49.99

Clutch Feature: Look-like-an-annoying-teenage-girl appeal.

Yeah, it will make you look like you’re on a Disney Channel show, but you can’t deny that you’ve checked out a few Sidekicks before and liked what you saw. This particular version is a little shoddy, but at that price point, it’s easy to stop denying how bad you want to be connected to AIM 24-hours a day.

Phones That Will Up Your Hip Factor For 4-6 Months

LG Venus
Verizon: $199.99

Clutch Features: It’s so small you can’t not not lose it; twice as many displays as an iPhone.

Yeah, I’ve been spending much of my energy trying to sell the other side of the cell phone market, the not-iPhone market. LG has been working just as hard, and the Venus is the result of their R&D (which probably just consisted of playing the Apple commercials on repeat). It’s got an interesting two-display interface, one being a touchscreen for all your finger fancies, and a slide that reveals a real dial pad. Mmmmm, tactility.

LG Voyager
Verizon: $299.99

Clutch Feature: QWERTY is for Lovers.

Yeah, so I guess it’s mentionable that Verizon originally turned down a big opportunity for this phone. But seriously guys, if we’ve learned anything from all of this, it’s that there doesn’t have to be any guilt associated with completely ripping off another UI, ahem. But aside from that, it does have a one-up on the unmentionable — an actual keyboard. Everyone, pleae commence celebration of the fact that LG managed to make a good-looking OS.

Sidekick Slide
T-Mobile: $199.99

Clutch Feature: The slide is electric, you know, like the song.

It’s a bit risky putting two Sidekicks on the same wish-list, but the Slide is everything its little brother isn’t. Finally serving the obsessive-compulsive community some righteousness, Danger did right by changing that annoyingly-fascinating and well-patented Sidekick swivel. The colors are dark and brooding, and it’s got a more solid feel than the ID, making Paris‘s nightmarish life a reality worthwhile.

HTC Touch
Sprint: $249.99

Clutch Feature: Minimalistic design will make you want to drink more tea.

Sprint doesn’t give nor get much love, but this holiday season they are trying to connect with customers. Of course, they couldn’t have bridged this emotional gap without a big push from handset manufacturer HTC. Based on a version of Windows Mobile 6, the sell for the Touch is its front end. The whole package comes out very sexy without trying to emulate any one else. Like that weird smart kid in the back of class, this one gets a sticker for being unique.

Phones That Can Send Text Messages Without Straining Your Thumb

Palm Centro
Sprint: $99.99

Clutch Feature: I mean, I guess it doesn’t look that retarded.

Yes, you’re seeing that right. Palm is still trying to release handsets. Yes, it’s still based on that weird OS. You’re right, Palm users aren’t real people. But, the phone is cheap, its kinda cool looking, they’ve been perfecting the experience for nearly a decade, and at least you can feel a sense of superiority knowing you’re the only person in the room city using one.

Blackberry Curve
AT&T: $199.99
T-Mobile: $249.99

Clutch Feature: It wouldn’t be a wish list with a Blackberry.

I know what you’re thinking. You hate everyone who has a BlackBerry. I understand — they’re not the easiest people to get along with. They’re high strung. They spill coffee on you. They yell… all the time. But please, please, don’t hate. Especially since RIM finally managed to make an attractive phone that doesn’t completely ignore thirty years of QWERTY convention. Plus, that crazy pearl navigator feels like sex, so bring it on baby.

MotoQ
Verizon: $149.99
Sprint: $149.99
AT&T: $199.99

Clutch Feature: It’s thinner then Joan River‘s corpse.

The new Q is a stunner. But seriously, we say the same thing about anyone wearing black. In the back of our minds, we’re all expecting something horrible underneath that flattering shade. The truth is, the Q isn’t perfect, but it’s flaws make it endearing. It’s so skinny that sometimes I worry, though. I worry like the grandmother of cell technology.

Phones That Can Store 9,999 Contacts In Case You Were Needing It

Blackberry 8800
T-Mobile: $349.99
Verizon: $299.99

Clutch Feature: That sweet, sweet feeling of I’m better then you.

God, just look at that thing. It screams “airplane pilot” or even “city mayor.” You can bet your ass this doesn’t have any games on it, and makes you look real, real serious even when you finally showed up for your kid’s basketball game. I know you want details, but it’s a BlackBerry for chrissakes. You know it’s gonna be feature packed for the business elite and can probably make a thousand lower managers shit at the sound of it’s ring.

HTC Mogul
Sprint: $299.99

Clutch Feature: If it tried any harder, it would blow up.

Sprint‘s Mogul is like a BlackBerry‘s little brother. It tries and does look good, but it just can’t get that attitude down right. Don’t get me wrong, Windows Mobile is a powerhouse, and Windows Mobile 6 is well beyond its growing pains, but there’s still some room to fit into those big BlackBerry shoes. The Mogul is another HTC star, and it’s got all the bells and whistles of a Pocket PC. But the best part? Sprint has the cheapest EVDO in the country.

Brian James Kirk is a writer living in Fishtown, USA. His affinity for RSS feeds is equally as strong as his affinity for ladies- a subject he often covers in a sex column he writes for the Temple News.

Previously: Technologicology: Amazon Kindle May Have Started The Fire

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 at 4:58 pm.