I was born, six-gun in my hand. Ohhhh yeah yeah. Don’t call it a wireless mouse. Tell it like it is…

This Shit Is Automatic, Supersonic, Hypnotic, Funky Fresh

No, my purple notebook isn’t full yet. Talking ’bout one, two steps, I wasn’t on either end of the Foggy Notion fisticuffs last night. Words were exchanged between the Home Blitz frontman and a Silk City busboy minutes after their set. It was girl-related, naturally, as all heated moments go. The recipient of the punch was shocked into silence, stormed off, and rushed back with a distressed lady friend and some delayed anger a few minutes later. Frankly, it wasn’t all that interesting. White boy tiffs never are.

You’d rather hear about unicorns, I know it. So there I was, outside of the Golden Unicorn Restaurant in NYC, where the tablecloths should have floated and the tea should have poured itself like it does in Beauty and the Beast. When we become adults, this stops happening.

It was then that the revelations started flowing. Since T-Mobile owns magenta, I feel strongly that a one-horned animal can take gold. When the rainbow is up for sale, you gotta protect ya neck. Why can’t gold stay?

Because, one, two words: Shit upgrading. You’re moving to the Barbary, which will serve as the U.N. of Your Life. Expect text inquisitions regarding evening plans to lessen, as everyone will start gravitating towards a sure thing when they see one. The Club Love Triangle is complete. The Buffet Of Gyrating Bodies is yours for the plating. This is one-stop shopping. Remember how hot Franklin Mills was when you were 7? It’s like that.

I’m also gonna go ahead tally up some Scene Points here since Rdn has been playing it cool on the promo end. No overhype on this one.

Which got my thoughts on other happenin’ clusterfucks and law-laying power couples.

You’ve got the Passyunk Slant: Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar, Friendly Lounge, The Dive, The Royal. They attract the same crowd, with the concentration of lesbians becoming diluted by the time you reach The Royal.

The Spring Garden Sales Call: You want to see every single person that you know, so you start out at Silk City, you put in face time at Transit, and after flyering the shit out of both, the tentacles of peers you may or may not wish to end up with at Ruba have you signing away your evening.

The Two Bars At Once Act: Look! You’re at Tattooed Mom’s. No, wait, you’re at L’Etage. But now you’re at Mom’s again. Back around the corner. You really can be everywhere at once if everyone else is trashed enough. (Try variations: Tritone/Bob & Barbara’s, Pure/Sal’s, Cantina/The Pope, etc.)

DO WANT/DO NOT WANT

Walking Dolls Inspired By Lars And The Real Girl/Kitschy Gift Junk From Urban
Finals Terror/Campus Terrorism (Unless It’s Selective)
Young People Who Like Rock Again/Electro Mindsap
Golden Unicorn Restaurant, Phila. Chain/Those Golden/Silver/Jewel Tone Sequin Dresses That Are Everywhere And Contribute Nothing To Couture

TrendFucking

Spirit Fist

It originated as a celebratory pump of the fist after scoring a goal or raping the confidence of every kid on your block at Guitar Hero 3, usually with an accompanying knee raise to your elbow. What is this display of self-oral mad props, and why does it best the high five, the thumbs up, and even the pat on the back? Spirit Fist gives you what only punching the air can give: Empowerment, an affirmation of personal space, and something to do after an epic win that is more righteous than arrogant.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 15th, 2007 at 2:36 pm.