Last year, the Flyers shit the bed — the worst season in their forty-year history. But I never got the sense that their fans thought this funk would last. The Flyers have been too good for too long. Sure enough, they retooled in the off season, and things are looking up. If you give a fuck about hockey, read this:

A is for Assholes

Say what you will about Eagles fans, but Flyers fans are, in my opinion, the most consistent bearer of the Philly sports dickhead torch.

B is for Daniel Briere

Perhaps the biggest reason for the optimism surrounding the Flyers’ 07-08 campaign is the addition of Daniel Briere, the captain of last year’s high-flying Buffalo Sabres squad and an incumbent first-team all-star and All-Star Game MVP.

C is for Bobby Clarke

This will be the first full year without the Hall-of-Famer running the front office in more than ten years. Last year’s debacle left him no choice but to resign after his team was out-skated all season and his oafish squad stick-handled like they were carrying shovels. Clarke, famous for his toothless smile as a player and his feuds with Eric Lindros as a GM is staying on as Senior Vice President.

Can I get this painted in velvet?

D is for New Jersey Devils

This year may be the first in a long while that the Eastern Conference’s Atlantic Division doesn’t run through Dirty Jerz. Last year, the youthful and explosive Penguins almost stole the division from the Devils and then the Rangers re-tooled with New Jersey’s solid two-way center Scott Gomez.

An image too profound for a caption

E is for Ben Eager

As one might expect, last year’s penalty minutes leader was a Flyer — Ben Eager. In another unsurprising twist, last year he won the Pelle Lindbergh Memorial as the Flyer who has most improved from the previous season, as voted by his teammates.

F is for Finland

Philly is a big hotspot for the Finns. Antero Niittymaki, Lasse Kukkonen, Kimmo Timonen and Sami Kapanen all rep the Flyers, and together they conspire to correctly spell their own names.

Hey Mammi! It’s Finland’s national dish- malt porridge. Call Billy Dee!

G is for Simon Gagne

In French, Gagne means “win.” In English, it means “giant mountains of goals” or “cruising for jawns in South Jersey in a Ferrari trailing a pomade stain.”

H is for Hockey

What the fuck happened to hockey? You remember when Wayne Campbell was a pop icon and the NHL was dropping more franchises in red states than Chick-fil-a? Now hockey is on the logging and hiking channel. I still love it, but I think I’m the only one.

Actually, there’s still hope

I is for Injuries

Hockey is very similar to football in that injuries are a constant threat to a team’s success. Every year’s forecast has a big “if” associated with it. If they can keep their most skilled players healthy, these Flyers have a better than even shot at the playoffs.

J is for Coach John

Ken Hitchcock got sacked last year after six relatively successful years as Flyers’ head coach. His replacement, John Stevens is a career Flyers grunt. Stevens was drafted by the Flyers but only played fifty-odd games in the NHL. He was, however, a very important figure on the Phantoms‘ successful runs in the ’90s that served the big club well as it got a steady stream of seasoned players from the minor league Phantoms.

K is for Mike Knuble

Knuble has been one of the Flyers’ most consistent goal scorers over the last few years. He, along with Simon Gagne, was one of the only Flyers to have a Plus/Minus rating over zero last year — no small feat on a dogshit team.

L is for Losing

Last year was the first experience with losing for many young Flyers fans. The Flyboys had been so good for so long that things were bound to turn sour at some point — the law of averages catches up with you at some point. Losing ways don’t look to continue this year, fortunately.

An image that appears as frequently as Haley’s comet

M is for Eric McErlain

That may be an unfamiliar name to most, but Eric is the man behind Off Wing Opinion, the best hockey blog in the business and he’s also the lead NHL blogger at AOL Fanhouse. Get familiar!

N is for New Faces

The Flyers made some major off-season moves this year. They acquired two All-Stars — Kimmo Timonen and Daniel Briere as well as solid perfomers Jason Smith and Joffery Lupul. A new look is good: The old faces didn’t exactly clean up last year.

O is for Orange Shirt dude

Anybody who has been to a Flyers game recently has noticed the hefty bol in the top row in an orange shirt whose wild dancing gets him a lil’ fame on the jumbotron in the third period. Now, the guy has been tapped by the Flyers organization for promotional spots.

P is for Petey

Forsberg, that is. Thought the ol’ Cap was gone? Well, yes, technically he is, but there figures to be an early season sweepstakes for the services of the unrestricted free agent, and the Flyers are widely speculated to be one of the major players in the Foppa challenge.

Q is for Quebec

Martin Biron, Simon Gagne and Daniel Briere rep French Canada. This used to be a cause for ridicule, borne out of a general Anglo contempt for any North American continentals who don’t speak English, but now all three of these dudes have advances to make electro records, so go figure.

Gino Soccio, he had Guy LaFleur hair

R is for Reebok

Reebok redesigned the uniforms for the entire NHL this off-season, with mixed results. The Flyers got a new uni, but it’s not radically different than the old one. More details in the This Week in Balls uni roundup a few weeks back.

S is for Stanley Cup

Is there a better trophy in all of sport? No.

No comment

T is for Kimmo Timonen

One of the Flyers’ major offseason acquisitions was the Finn from Nashville, acquired via trade during the summer. Timonen was an All-Star last year, and dude is a fucking baller to say the least. One of the Flyboys’ big problems last year was the fact that their defensive corps was slow and couldn’t take care of the puck whatsoever. Timonen is a legit playmaker and has easily the most spellable Finnish name on the squad.

U is for Scottie Upshall

Upshall was one of the dudes who came over last year in the Peter Forsberg trade. It wasn’t long before they started calling him “Scottie Upside.”

V is for Violence

The season is still young, but the Flyers have already placed wing Jesse Boulerice on waivers after he was suspended for 25 games for cross checking a Canuck in the face. Apparently, you can’t just cave in somebody’s jaw behind the play. You know the Fly boys are getting back in the groove if there’s already suspension-related attrition. Here’s a list of the top 10 dirty moments in Flyers’ history.

W is for Wachovia Center

I have very little love for the Wachovia Center. It lacks the historic intimidation factor of the Spectrum and the fan experience is something between a hockey game and a Delco church carnival. There’s an obnoxious “emcee” who barks bullshit at you during stoppages in play and the music is ear-splitting. You know how when you are with an entirely white group, somebody might say something marginally racist because they think they’re in a “safe zone” or something? Hockey games are a little like this, only for Slipknot instead of semi-racist jokes.

X is for, uh, HeXtall

Man, growing up as a Pens fan, I fucking hated this guy, but it’s easy to understand why he was loved here. He slashed people in the face all the time and, as a goalie scored empty net goals.

Y is for Youth

When smart teams bottom out, they rebuild through youth. The Penguins did it, and they are tooled for the future with superforwards Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal and young goalie Mac-Andre Fleury. They are seen as no more than a year from dominance of the Eastern Conference. The Flyers didn’t move to a comprehensive youth movement, but only eight members of the roster were born before 1980, and there are six players under 25. With youth comes mistakes.

Z is for Zamboni

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 17th, 2007 at 1:01 pm.