Disregarding that the cameras came through on the rainiest week of the year, that the photos were taken before anyone was awake, and that they missed capturing everything north of Lehigh, what appears on a tour of city landmarks is a path paved in irony.

After the jump, Brian James Kirk debuts our new tech column by wading deep into the muddy waters of Google Street View: Philly.

Google Maps Street View: I Found You
Scratching Your Ass On Callowhill

Remember When You Used To Phish AOL Passwords? Thems Were The Days.

Anyone who grew up in the early ’90s around computers might remember optimistic fantasies of how the Internet would revolutionize the way we view and use media. Back then, our sights soared far beyond reality, in thanks to journalists who forecasted the net’s future landscape by mistranslating what nerdy programmers explained to them. The vision was far different from the texty horrors of connecting by dial-up to complicated command-based library catalogs; someday your virtual body would be able to comb through libraries across the globe, pulling books from infinite amounts of shelves to turn high-resolution pages, without having to look like an asshole.

A decade and a half later, we’re still struggling to download PDF files without crashing our browsers, Quicktime 360′s still give us visual blue-balls, and the closest thing to virtually representing ourselves has been a half-assed Simpsons Movie promotion.

Released last year, Google Maps Street View is one of the most impressive virtual reality experiences that we’ve seen in a mass-consumer based setting. Last week, when the Goog announced that Philly was one of the newest additions to its voyeuristic world, nerds all over the city rejoiced. It was substantially convincing evidence that god damn its cool to be a geek, and that you’re a no one if without a GMail account.

But nevermind a geek’s rhetoric on what makes this seemingly trivial technology so important. What’s missed at first glance is not Google’s impact on virtualization, but how accurately 360-degree photographs have portrayed the intricacies of our city’s culture. Street View’s greatest lesson is simple: Like your favorite aloof friend, a city speaks volumes about itself even when it isn’t paying attention.

Disregarding that the cameras came through on the rainiest week of the year, that the photos were taken before anyone was awake, and that they missed capturing everything north of Lehigh, what appears on a tour of city landmarks is a path paved in irony.

The Comcast Center

Sure, the Comcast Center has managed to capture all of our sexual imaginations, but casting it as a gift from Christ comes off a tad hedonistic. At the time of the photo, that shit wasn’t even fully — pardon my intrinsic knowledge of constructional engineering — erect.

The Fillmore At The TLA

We lucked out on this one: The venue was able to showcase one of the finest acts to pass through Philadelphia in the past six months. But timing was far from perfect; a week later, Silverchair could have been proof of our burgeoning music scene. [Or at least our tolerance for Australian grunge refugees. - Ed.]

Pat’s and Geno’s

Sure, I could illustrate that the photos were taken at different times of the day, but that would lend to a misrepresentation that people actually eat at Geno’s.

The Liberty Bell

This is as close as you’re gonna get to the Liberty Bell. Either Google is consciously protecting us from potential terrorists, or they detoured-the-fuck-away from this spot just as any Philadelphian would.

The Manhattan Room

Again, I’d like to think that Google is working hand-in-hand with Homeland Security to protect one of the city’s most important landmarks — the section of Girard passing by the M-Room doesn’t exist. But it’s much more likely that they detoured-the-fuck-away from this spot just as any Philadelphian would.

A Note To Google: Can We Get Some High-Resolution Shots Next Time?

No one was found running up the steps of the Art Museum, the cameras didn’t catch John Street waiting outside for any new consumer electronic devices, and sadly, I haven’t actually found you scratching your ass. But the next time Google comes to town, be ready for it: Pick out your feathered headband, grab an ice cold Olde English and confuse the hell out of the rest of America. ‘Cos that’s how we roll in this city.

Brian James Kirk is a writer living in Fishtown, USA. His affinity for RSS feeds is equally as strong as his affinity for ladies- a subject he often covers in a sex column he writes for the Temple News.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 15th, 2007 at 4:08 pm.