Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but either way, it really doesn’t matter if you look like a schmuck.

After the jump, Michael Fichman goes all Encyclopedia Brown on Our Uniforms, Our Psyches, Ourselves.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but either way, it really doesn’t matter if you look like a schmuck. When I was a kid (and even today), I was meticulous about my uniform. In ice hockey, shinpads taped in a zig-zag, sweater tucked in like Wayne Gretzky. In baseball, stirrups with the pants cuffed below the knees, glinting metal spikes. In soccer, only black Adidas boots, shin guards taped meticulously. Okay, I know this is a little vain — but on the level, which of these guys looks like a basketball player and which one looks like an optical illusion?

It was a trick question: He never really looked like a basketball player anyway…

Philadelphia is a place that appreciates uniform aesthetics — it’s the home to Mitchell and Ness — originators of the throwback craze and longtime keepers of the nostalgic sports aesthete’s flame. It’s always worth a poke around their store on 12th and Chestnut, and these videos give me the sense that the rest of their offices are even cooler- full of OG uniforms from all eras. But the city’s teams have a rich and varied uniform history themselves- so on the occasion of the Flyers’ new jersey unveiling last week, the Sixers new unis and the Eagles debut of their 75th Anniversary throwback Sunday- I present:

The Eagles

Sonny Jurgensen circa 1961-ish, when pads were flimsy and it was legal to tackle people by the neck

This weekend, the Eagles roll out their 75th Anniversary throwbacks, an homage to the team’s original unis, which used the color scheme found on the city’s flag, which itself used the color scheme found on Sweden’s flag. But, as you well know, after their passing Scandinavian phase, and for most of their history, the Eagles have worn green in various forms.

Before they went to the “Midnight Green” of their current uniforms, the Eagles kept a Kelly-ish green kit that was relatively constant through the years, despite looking somewhat like a hockey uniform. After they went to green and adopted the Eagles wings on the helmet in 1958, the striping around the shoulders changed, white and grey were used interchangeably on the helmets, trim and pants but most of the changes were minor. However, there’s one major exception — for a number of years the Eagles wore different helmets at home and on the road — a practice unheard of today. At home; a white helmet with green wings. On the road; a green helmet with white wings.

Overall, the Eagles have always had pretty classy uniforms, although the current ones are kind of overboard on all the black trim. Bring back the grey!

Phillies

Whoa fuck

As far as Philly-centric apparel goes, nothing says “I’m into pharmies and hostility” quite like a Phillies cap. The Phils’ current uniform design is an homage to the Phillies look of the ’50s and ’60s. Prior to that time, they’d dabbled in a number of different color schemes, including blue and yellow at one point. This design stayed the same until 1970, when the curly “P” which graces the banner of this here site appeared on hats and the team jerseys. Then began the ’70s, baseball’s great uniform adventure.

The uniforms of the 1970s have come back into vogue as cultural color palate has moved back in a noisier direction. Although the Phils went from a brighter red to a more muted maroon-type color, they busted out the Powder Blue road unis, replacing the traditional grey. Among the more famous uni-centric moments in Phillies history was May 19th, 1979, when the Phils wore a solid maroon kit (seen above) and fan reaction was so overwhelmingly negative that the ensemble was never worn again.

Also, interesting, the Phillies have never worn the word “Philadelphia” on their jerseys, although they contemplated it at one point. They’ve also avoided blue caps, which were seen as bad luck when they were introduced in the 90s. And sadly, none of the Phillies (except Jamie Moyer) wear stirrups anymore. Ballplayers wear fucking stirrups, right?!!! If they did, they’d get to show off the cool little Liberty Bell on the Phillies’ standard issue hose.

Sixers

Good things happen when you get back to basics

For the most part, the Sixers have always looked really classy, with two exceptions. First, there’s the early ’90s weird swooshy-star outfit that Sir Charles is wearing in the photo at the column’s beginning. I’m not sure if this was intended to create some sort of disorientation for the defender, but either way, it looks dumb. Second, the Sixers’ recent uniforms haven’t incorporated any of their traditional color scheme — red and blue.

Fortunately, the Sixers are beginning to realize that wearing gratuitous amounts of black with colors like blue (or midnight green for that matter) makes you look like a bruise, not like you are about to go light up the scoreboard. They’ve introduced the red uniforms you see at top as “second road uniforms.” Hopefully the black goes before too long. The next best thing about the Sixers’ new look (above) is the “Phila” wordmark that graces the uni — a tribute to the early uniforms that featured the awkward but endearing abbreviation. If it worked for Wilt, you might as well try it.

While we’re at it, we might as well mention that Wilt beat New York hipsters to cream-colored Chucks, too.

Flyers

Goalies aren’t the charismatic horror movie antagonists they once were

Like the Sixers, the Flyers’ uni has remained relatively unchanged over the years, although the Flyers have been in existence a relavitely short time (only since 1967). Last week, I told you about the Flyers new uni, which is not a drastic departure from the unis of days past. The Flyers’ colors have remained constant through the years- the orange and black a tribute to the old-school Philadelphia Quakers hockey club of the 1930-31. Even the minor-league Phantoms have paid tribute to the Quakers with orange and black “throwbacks.” The novelty of the new uniforms was supposed to be their space-age fabric and tight fit, but that’s been pretty much instantly bucked as the Flyers’ players have started ordering their uniforms 2 sizes too big.

Perhaps the only aesthetic fuck-up the Flyers have made is their experiment with Cooperalls back in the day – a move that eliminated the shorts/stockings combo and replaced it with some crappy black pants. Ugh. It could also be argued that it’s time for the Flyers to get back to using orange as the dominant color on their darker jerseys (now the home jerseys). Like the Sixers and Eagles, the marketing geniuses at NHL headquarters saw black as being a fashionable uni fad in the 1990s, but hockey has been slow to get away from it. Hopefully the orange third jerseys will stick around in some form.

This post owes a great deal of credit (stylistically and in terms of content) to Paul Lukas’ Uni Watch — the best place on the internet for all things uniform-related. Make sure to bookmark it!

By the way, all that can be said about the Eagles shitting the bed on Monday night can be found HERE.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 at 3:15 pm.