This year, the Big Red Walrus is dealing with the turmoil and embarrassment of both of his sons being public fuckups, driving cars while blasted on horse and mixing their drugs with guns, respectively. I say he will. In fact, he’d probably rather be watching tape than dealing with the insanity at home.

After the jump, Michael Fichman comes through with the only Eagles season preview that has the balls to tell you that these guys might play a little better if you can refrain from being such a d-bag for like five minutes.

Fall: Football, pills and the smell of dried leaves

Frankly, I don’t think anybody really gives a fuck about any sport other than football. I mean, the romanticism of baseball is unmatched, and the athletic awesomeness of basketball is without parallel. But does anything really beat watching football on the couch in your sweatpants at 1 PM on a Sunday? No. In this space, we’ve been over and over the futility and misguided aggro bullshit of the Philadelphia sports psyche, but that’s neither here nor there when it comes to assessing the Eagles’ chances. In short, they’ve got a shot, but there are a lot of “ifs.” Just don’t sell them short before they even get started.

You’d think that this is the year that makes or breaks Donovan McNabb. He’s going to turn 31 this year — old for a football player. He’s returning from a knee injury that ended his season last year. He was nearly supplanted by popular journeyman Jeff Garcia, whose playoff run earned him the title of “Northeast/Delco’s Current Great White Hope.” But the truth is, McNabb has been through worse. He’s had other season ending injuries. He’s been attacked ad hominem by national and regional political figures. He’s been booed by his own fans on draft day and called a quitter by his teammates. I think the fact that he’s still here means that he will forever be known as an athlete who refused to let the venom of Philadelphia sporting fandom infect him. (And he was rewarded with a really really creepy Vitamin Water ad campaign with a freaky old dude. What the fuck is in that stuff, Ensure with HGH?)

Gary Barbara has this picture framed on his wall

But much of McNabb’s success depends on Andy Reid. Often in the past, the Eagles have been very successful when McNabb has gone down with an injury, prompting many of the calls for his removal in favor of inferior backups. Why do the backups always do so well? Probably because McNabb’s awesome talent drives Andy Reid and Co. to call the offensive plays in such a way as to maximize McNabb’s talent, rather than run an efficiently successful football team. McNabb gets hung out to dry — throwing the ball so many times per game that he’s bound to get hurt. When a backup comes in, Brian Westbrook (or Staley etc., in times past) becomes the focus of the offense and the Eagles become a much more balanced team.

This year, the Big Red Walrus is dealing with the turmoil and embarrassment of both of his sons being public fuckups, driving cars while blasted on horse and mixing their drugs with guns, respectively. I say he will. In fact, he’d probably rather be watching tape than dealing with the insanity at home. But the big Reid-related questions are two: 1. Will he be able to hold it down while his team walks the thin line all season, saddled by inferior depth? 2. Will he play smart football with McNabb as his quarterback, both protecting number 5 and calling the game in the fashion that brought the Eagles so much late season success in 2006?

No man is a house an island

The defense is less of a worry. If Javon Kearse stays healthy, the D should be formidable, even with the recent release of longtime fan favorite Jeremiah Trotter last week. Takeo Spikes is far better than most people recognize, although a little on the back end of his career. Back when he played for the Bengals, Baltimore super-linebacker Ray Lewis used to flip out whenever Spikes was called “the best linebacker in the division.” Brian Dawkins is still a presence at safety. Much like the offense, the defense is only as good as it is healthy.

Fortunately for the Birds, the NFC East is, as per usual, a tossup division. None of the teams are scary good, and none of the teams are scary bad. All six of their division games should be competitive. Their out-of-division schedule is not impossible, although it does include visits to New England, New Orleans and tough home games against Seattle and Chicago. If they stay healthy, they could be looking at 8 to 10 wins- enough to get through to the playoffs in the weak NFC.

If the Eagles somehow make it to the Super Bowl, one of these two will probably be waiting.

I know that wasn’t quite as witty as your standard This Week In Balls, so to make up for it, here’s internet hero Kige Ramsey’s NFC East preview. Wow.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 27th, 2007 at 9:57 am.