People talk about speaking with lizards and stuff. You can communicate with anyone, with nature, that’s all that happened there. To me, that’s not a big deal now. I like to astral travel, teleport, travel through time… December 24, 2012, by the way, that’s the number. As seven billion people, the world will rise to another level of consciousness. I don’t have all the answers.

After the jump, Michael Fichman sticks his finger in the late summer Philly sports zeitgeist and starts popping antibiotics immediately.

Sometimes, inspired irreverence is fleeting — put at bay by the duties of life and the whims of whatever bacterium inspires an August head-cold. But alas, there’s enough bizarre truth out there this week to trump better than half the fiction I could spout. So here it is.

To lead things off with some current news: King of the White Girls Chase Utley has been cleared for action and could begin playing as soon as August 27th, when the Phils face the Mets in a crucial late season series. What becomes of recent pickup Tadahito Iguchi? I don’t know, but I know these folks are eagerly anticipating the return of the King:

No jokes, I think they’re under age

Utley Could Face Mets, Break Hearts [Philly.com]
Chase Utley: King of the White Girls [Philebrity.com]

Former Phillies catcher Darren Daulton has been on a tear of late. And no, I don’t mean the kind of tear that he and Nails Dykstra were on when they wrapped around a tree in Radnor back in the day. I’m talking about the jewels he dropped on Comcast Sportsnet the other day:

People talk about speaking with lizards and stuff. You can communicate with anyone, with nature, that’s all that happened there. To me, that’s not a big deal now. I like to astral travel, teleport, travel through time … December 24, 2012, by the way, that’s the number. As seven billion people, the world will rise to another level of consciousness. I don’t have all the answers.

I like the way he ended that bit — “I don’t have all the answers” — like there was some obvious expectation that he had gone to the future and brought back a sports almanac that would instruct his gambling for the next five years. It seems as if he didn’t have much of an inkling that anybody listening might think that he’d been putting lead shavings on his cereal the last fifteen years.

Hear the audio here.

Hi, I’m out of my fucking mind

Mike Schmidt had his own verbal run-in this week, although it was less of the L. Ron Hubbard variety espoused by Daulton. He was sitting up in the booth with batshit Harry Kalas and managed to let the verbal equivalent of a sloppy fart fly on the air:

Harry: “It’s a full count here to Willie Harris. Getting down to another sport, Michael Jack, how’s your golf game?”
Mike Schmidt: “Pretty good, Harry. I’ve been beating the hell out of my wife pretty regularly.”
Awkward pause; muted laughter
Harry: “At golf, I hope? At golf, I hope. Line drive and that’s a fair ball…”

A classic conversation stopper. Usually, if I’m trying desperately to get out of a conversation I’ll either complain that I have a terribly urgent case of diarrhea or nonchalantly mention that I beat the shit out of women and I’m late for my train. To be fair, he didn’t mean it (neither did I).

Mistake #1: Not deflecting the question and just talking about that boss jacket

Listen to the audio here, courtesy of Philadelphia Will Do.

On your way out the door, make sure you take a look at PhillyMag bol A.J. Daulerio‘s Eagles season preview on Deadspin.com. Next week, it’s the Philebrity Eagles preview, where I’ll assess the Eagles’ chances of catastrophic implosion. If I have the words in me, I’ll try to figure out just why Donovan McNabb has never taken his dick out during a press conference, laid it on the table and told the entire Eagles fan base to go fuck itself.

AJ Daulerio’s Eagles Season Preview [Deadspin.com]

This entry was posted on Monday, August 20th, 2007 at 12:10 pm.