There is exciting baseball to be had in the coming six weeks. Now, each game starts to take on an obvious importance. For Phillies fans, I can think of nothing worse. Right now, every die-hard fan of the Fightins is turning over every possible doomsday scenario in his head. Guess what: One of them will happen.

After the jump, Michael Fichman outlines every possible scenario left for the Phils this season. And they all involve Pat Burrell sleeping with you or someone you love.

Our Long National Nightmare — Barry Bonds‘ chase for the all-time steriod home run record — is over. We can turn again to the things that make baseball a familiar source of comfort in the late summer. Around these parts, the most popular National Pastime-related pastime is the late-season Prognostication of Doom.

There is no better place for a ballclub to be than in the thick of a playoff race in mid-August. There is exciting baseball to be had in the coming six weeks. Now, each game starts to take on an obvious importance. For Phillies fans, I can think of nothing worse. Right now, every die-hard fan of the Fightins is turning over every possible doomsday scenario in his head. Guess what: One of them will happen. Here’s a sampling some that I came up with:

I. Phillies fail to catch the Mets and then lose out narrowly for the wild card berth.

If everything shakes out right, this scenario would put the entire season on the shoulders of somebody who made a blunderous error. Ideally, this would be a Buckner-esque misplay by Ryan Howard, and then by next May he’s pleading to be traded so he can get away from the abuse. You know, because he’s such a worthless son-of-a-bitch choker.

II. Phillies clinch the Wild Card (shoulda won the division), choke like sub-500 losers in playoffs.

Tadahito Iguchi gets hot, whole lineup starts using J-Pop entrance music for good luck. I’m not quite sure I know how this would aversely affect the team, but it sure would be annoying. No matter how well he plays, Iguchi will surely demand his release after Joe Vento, in an interview with Lou Dobbs, makes a series of Pearl Harbor/laundromat jokes. Sports radio refuses to side with Iguchi. Somehow or another, this dooms the Phils season at a critical junture.

Dick Allen: Not the only Phillie who might hate you back

III. Chase Utley returns from injury but discloses he has advanced syphillis and will retire, crushing Phils’ spirits and damning stretch run.

Now, the Phillies have done pretty well in the 15-odd games since the King of the White Girls broke a bone in his hand. I would certainly say that the Phillies are better off in any game with Chase Utley than without him, but his injury hasn’t doomed their season, like everybody was so sure it would. The real consequence of a Chase Utley syphilletic retirement would be that it would be about a year before any women in the tri-state area ovulated again.

IV. Phillies storm back to win the division but bomb out in the playoffs.

This sort of finish would be a nice compliment to the yearly playoff failures perpetrated by the Fightins’ neighbors down on Pattison Avenue. Whatever happens in the end, I’m sure it’ll be remembered as Donovan McNabb‘s fault for accidentally interfering with a foul pop up.

Frankly, they’re an embarrassment to the city. The Phillies, I mean.

V. Phillies seize the division lead only to suffer an epic collapse and miss the wild card berth.

This is a likely scenario and the appropriate trajectory for a season which was written of as a failure before the second week in April. As retribution for everybody bailing on the team early, the Phillies throw in a nice cock-tease in September and then punch the fans in their noses for disloyalty, losing their last 6 games. Pat Burrell will have drunken and utterly forgettable sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/landscaper during the offseason, just to seal the deal.

VI. The Phillies win the World Series.

This is, unequivocally, the most catastrophic scenario imaginable. Space and time will collapse onto themselves. I’m talking The Rapture (not you stupid hipster, the other one). The Delaware River will turn to blood and the spirit of Undead William Penn will rise up and slay all of the first born in the 5-county area. Jerry Falwell will return to earth and rule from Jerusalem, consuming meats and cheeses with his bare hands. Dogs and cats, living together- mass hysteria. Everybody will become listless and fat with satisfaction and lethargy and sandwiches, oh, wait a minute.

Don’t drag us into your stupid bullshit, Philadelphia

Most importantly, if the Phillies should creep into the playoffs and win the Philadelphia sports identity would be CRUSHED. We would become the thing in life we hate most- a bunch of soft, pansy-assed winners. Oh God no. They must be stopped, they must not win. People, are you with me?!

This entry was posted on Monday, August 13th, 2007 at 11:01 am.