Two weekends ago I went with my crew of Pittsburgh ex-pats to a Phillies-Pirates contest down at Citizens Bank Park. I rocked my 1979 Pirates pillbox cap and a Bucs jersey to the ballpark, yet not a single Phillies fan thought to yell an insult at me. What’s he gonna say? “Your team fucking sucks?” Yeah dude, I already know that.

After the jump, Michael Fichman muses on how, like, the grass is always greener on the good side of Pennsyltucky.

A vital part of the Philadelphia psyche is a gross inferiority complex. Waa, waaa, we’ll never be as egocentric and vain as New York. Woe unto us — we can’t wash the small of our backs because we’re too bloated with greasy sandwiches. But most importantly for this column, there’s the idea that we’ll never win anything again because (among other reasons) we built office towers taller than City Hall, apparently incurring the wrath of a violent and vengeful Undead William Penn. Undead Penn is the apparition who tickled Allen Iverson‘s grundle while he shot fouls in the ’01 Finals and put itching powder in Mitch Williams‘ socks before he pitched in the ’93 Series. He is also rumored to have peed in Donovan McNabb‘s Gatorade during Super Bowl XXXIX.

But barring this last Flyers season, Philly’s recent sports landscape is largely devoid of any utter and devastating failures, only a large accumulation of half-successes. There have been many deep playoff runs and down-to-the-wire division races. When I lived in Massachussetts in 2003, the then-cursed Red Sox went to the ALCS only to be shot in the heart by Yankee Aaron Boone‘s homer in extra innings. Everybody bitched and moaned about how they were doomed to failure and scapegoats in the eyes of the sports gods. But at least the Sox went to the playoffs — at least the fans had the opportunity to root for the home team well into the post-season. Hell, at least they got to care all the way through the regular season.

For some, football training camp usually coincides with the mathematical elimination of their baseball team.

Two weekends ago I went with my crew of Pittsburgh ex-pats to a Phillies-Pirates contest down at Citizens Bank Park. I rocked my 1979 Pirates pillbox cap and a Bucs jersey to the ballpark, yet not a single Phillies fan thought to yell an insult at me. What’s he gonna say? “Your team fucking sucks?” Yeah dude, I already know that.

Even though Philly teams seldomly win any championships, it’s been many decades since they’ve sucked in an epic manner. On the whole, the Phillies have been a better than average ball-club the last 40 years. Their worst stretch since the ’60s came during the late ’80s and early-mid ’90s, but it was punctuated in the middle by a National League title. The team has contended well the last seven years and the future outlook is still quite rosy. So with all the woe-is-me whining and moaning that accompanied the 10,000 losses non-event earlier this season, I sat quietly thinking that y’all can cry me a big fucking river (no JT), because my Pirates are the worst franchise in all of recent sports history (read: our lifetimes).

The Pittsburgh Pirates – The Album

Right now, the Pittsburgh Pirates are mired in their 15th consecutive losing season — the longest such streak in all of American sports and second longest in history, behind the Phillies of the 30s and 40s. The last time the Pirates were competitive, they had a slender Barry Bonds batting third, George H.W. Bush was President and the internet was just a twinkle in Al Gore‘s eye. Since then, the McClatchey/Nutting ownership has rewarded the taxpayers for their beautiful ballpark with terrible personnel moves and blunderous contracts, pocketing the revenue sharing monies from the big market teams while maintaining one of the league’s lowest payrolls. The Pirates’ failures have spawned a fan walk-out, and most Pirates blogs have names like “Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke,” “Pirates Fans For Change” and “IrateFans.” Granted, it’s pretty reliable that at least one Pittsburgh team will bring home a trophy in a given decade, but those long summer months are pretty brutal without any rational hope for the Bucs.

Things could be a lot worse in Philly. For example, when Phillies stars like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley get good, they get long-term contracts. In Pittsburgh, they get lost in free agency (Barry Bonds) traded for the human equivalent of a bucket of baseballs to offload their salaries (Aramis Ramirez, Jason Schmidt). In Philly, when important players like Chase Utley get hurt, the management trades for passable replacements like Tadahito Iguchi so that the team can stay in the playoff hunt. In Pittsburgh, when players get hurt, they are replaced by career minor leaguers. There are high school-aged Pirates fans who were not alive the last time the Pirates finished above .500.

“Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac…”

So put your chin up Philly, and stop thinking about the Yankees and Mets, with their huge bankrolls and histories of success. Just gaze west and look down upon the ugly duckling on the Left Coast of Pennsylvania, like you always do.

P.S. If it means anything to you, dear reader, the misfortunes of the last 15 years have made me rationally decide to put the Pirates out of my mind. I’d imagine it’s like being married to a wife who stopped giving you blowjobs the moment you tied the knot. I’ll always be a Pittsburgher at heart, but now, the Pirates are really no more than a hat that tells you where I’m from. I’m a reluctant Phillies fan, and thus I can report here with a more than adequate slant.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 6th, 2007 at 11:07 am.