OK, so maybe you fell asleep sometime around May, when the Phillies were shitting the bed like that poor drunk kid in Trainspotting. Or maybe it was that whole 10,000 thing that kind of turned you off. But you could be forgiven. To wit, let’s catch you up on the crazy world of your Philadelphia Phillies circa July 31, 2007:
1. You probably know this, but: Chase Utley, King Of The White Girls, had his hand broken by some jinkie-ass pitcher and it really looked like it hurt.
2. BUT the power of literally thousands White Girls fantabating about nursing him back to health — think The English Patient meets The Natural meets Teen Wolf — was so strong that the Phils have won 9 of their last ten games and are over .500. Lookin’ good. Shane Victorino and Michael Bourn (who, by the way, is a fucking superstar in the making, we’re believing the hype) both suffered sprains last night, but whatever. This is why we have drugs. Part of why. Anyway…
3. The Phils suited up their first-ever Asian player, Tadahito Iguchi, and he’s kind of an all-purpose badass, it looks like. We like this guy. Suggested Sal’s Pals-esque fan club name: PHILLMATIC AZNS.
4. Flip side of that: Trade deadline came and went, and we also got this shiny new turd. Sorry, dude, but you are NOT the solution to our pitching woes. Are you?
5. As evidenced by the wins — and the injuries — these guys are playing their fucking hearts out. No lie. They’re scrappin’ it up, mixing shit up on the fly and generally acting like dudes who love to play baseball. And there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that. If this is the kind of team it takes to lose 10,000 games, then sign me up 20,000, bitches. GO PHILS! GET WELL SOON SHANE AND MIKE! WOOOO!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 31st, 2007 at 8:19 am.