Today, dear readers, is a special day. It’s “Best Of Philly” Day — never mind we got a press release in the mail telling us it’s “Best Of Philly” WEEK — and yay, we shall rejoice. For us, “rejoicing” means “going to CVS with a horrible feeling of dread that there’s going to be a profile of Judy Wicks as the leadoff piece,” so after the jump, may we present our crude busman’s guide to the 2007 edition of that venerable piece of “Is That Anything?” — PhillyMag’s “Best of Philly,” 2007.

· Issue leads off with Food & Drink, with the lion’s share of the opening page spread dedicated to to “New Restaurant, Suburbs.” Ahem. (It’s Blackfish.) After you count the “New Restaurant, Atlantic City,” division, a whopping 25% per cent of this category is dedicated to “New Restuarant, City.” A for effort, guys.

· The chef from SnackBar, “Chef, Jonathan McDonald,” is kind of hot in an English soccer hooligan kind of way. He’s also the 143rd chef this decade to be photographed by PhillyMag in his toque with a glass of red wine, looking moody and brooding and not like he spends his days worrying about who’s doing coke in the kitchen.

· Let the PhillyMag “Best Of Philly” chain of chain-praise begin! First up, Wegmans! Category: “Cheap Eats.” Note: This will be the first time we check the cover to make sure we’re not reading PhillyStyle’s “Best Of Style.” But it will not be the last.

· “Cheesesteak, City”: Steve’s Prince Of Steaks. Also, technically, a chain. Also not in the city. Unless you count Northeast Philadelphia, so I guess… oh, fuck, if they don’t justify this shit, why should we? It’s exhausting.

· Props to Tiffin, James, Modo Mio — all white-hot.

· Number of words PhillyMag can get out before saying “hipster” in their write-up of Grasshopper (”New Boutique, City”): 20!

· The entire “Style & Shopping” section looks like an ad-section, believe us, we’d know. Might wanna tsk the art director about that, boys. It raises suspicion.

· If people got mad when we blew up the spot on Jerry’s Bar, just wait ’til they see how it got the nod for “Dive Bar.” Holy hell, Jerry, you better stock up on pickled eggs STAT.

· “Gay Destination”: The Raven. Um, congrats!

· Chain alert: Acme Markets, “Food Delivery.”

· “Local Website: Phillyhistory.org.” Agreed. Solid choice.

· “Radio Talk-Show Host: Michael Smerconish.” We didn’t think Michael’s dick was big enough to get fellated by an entire magazine — I mean, we really didn’t think it was — but it just goes to show, it’s always the the guys you least suspect.

· We don’t necessarily think that Jim McGuinn is the best “Radio DJ” in Philadelphia — sorry, dude, you ALL bow before the Geator and Ray Koob — but it’s nice to know they’re at least paying attention. (Unlike us, who prefer our radio doods as old and crusty as possible. And, if possible, wearing a Kangol with the logo prominently displayed.)

· Holy shit, they found a way to squeeze Dawn Staley in there! Amazing.

· “Local Website: TheNextMayor.com” We agree, but, wait: Didn’t you just do another local website? And yes, we know that Philebrity will never, ever win this category again. We get it. We’re still coming to the party to photograph the toupeés. Just try and stop us.

· And now, the “Best Philadelphian” award, a new-ish feature to BOP. Only a couple years in, the agenda is already set: This one’s straight up for the do-gooders — these meat-of-BOP pieces often feel like going to church so you can get ice cream later — and so we have anti-murder activist Dorothy Johnson-Speight. Good on you, Dorothy. ·

· There’s also a pull-out BOP pocket guide that you can pull out and put in your pocket, should you desire to read your BOP with the faint smell of warm ass. Which is overkill, but to each his own, right? Goes great with a fanny pack.

· Chain-praise update: Lucky Strike Lanes, “Bar Snacks.” Gong.

· “Burger: Brandywine Prime Seafood & Chops.” That’s right, bitches, if you want the best burger in the sixth largest city in America, you’ve got to go to Chadds Ford. Preferably in a time machine with Harry J. Katz set to “1980,” the last time PhillyMag was relevant.

· I had better be getting paid to read this whole thing. Just saying.

· We shit you not, there’s a “Strip Mall” category this year.

· Chain-praise mindblower: Urban Outfitters for “Jeans.” In related news, Charles Porter just set himself on fire outside the PhillyMag Starbucks. His last words were reported to be, “Seriously, guys: WHAT. THE. FUCK.”

· “Large Concert Venue: Mann Center“/”Small Concert Venue: Johnny Brenda’s.”

· I know we’re harshing out on you, PhillyMag, but when your big “Music Talent” discovery/nod in the BOP gets compared to Sarah McLachlan in the write-up, it’s probably time to cash this category in for something more your strong suit, like “Best Low-Cal Snack In Wegman’s” or something.

Phew! So there you have it. Stay tuned later this week for our BOP party report, which will be every bit as good-natured and thoughtful as this one was. And to Rite Aid, CVS, Comcast, H&M, The Gap, Anthropologie, Genuardi’s,, et al.: Don’t worry, guys, there’s always next year!

This entry was posted on Monday, July 30th, 2007 at 2:09 pm.