Talkin’ is as talkin’ does, after the jump.

This Shit Is Air Conditioned

“It was a small and shabby all-night cafe. A light layer of grease lay on all the Formica-topped tables, but it was at least empty. Harry slipped into a booth first and Ron sat next to him opposite Hermione, who had her back to the entrace and did not like it. She glanced over her shoulder so frequently she appeared to have a twitch…” (Rowling, p. 164)

Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Sorry, wrong story.

I’ve been hiding from the mob. Sucks to walk in on crime, especially if they know you talk some.

Among my other regrets? I planted the Photo Issue AKA The Nude Issue of Vice on my grandpa’s sofa. I convinced my 3-year old nephew that he needed a sardine-flavored Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Bean. Calculating or entertaining? I’m not the only one sinking to lows.

Hello, M Room, are you there? It’s me, WTF. You had a Circle of Hope benefit last Friday. I could almost stop right there. After the hole-in-the-wall incident (are they still trying to cover that up?) and the stream of identity-less nights they’ve booked in the past few months, I’m beginning to think the survey they’re asking patrons to fill out is the final plea for help. And all the better to get shit in order quick, the former Barbary is already looking to be that GIRL in high school. Once they figure out what to call it. The Colt 45? Now that you’re used to asking for it. Rolls off ze tongue, no?

Since I’m feeling suggestive, hey Johnny Brenda’s, what say you become the first bar in Philly to offer Arctic Splash cocktails? The Fishtown pins were a nice touch, but I think you could take it all the way.

Next level was gained at Indie Rock Bingo, where you get to wave around a big marker and try to fight the effects of alcohol to win prizes like The Stoner Prize Pack, which includes Poptarts and Visine. I took away a Scottish cd, that was less Lord of the Dance and more Franz Ferdinand than I anticipated. If they do this again, you should go and I’ll show you what the K Records Badge looks like. Savvy?

Scene Points

Since you decided to play 8 bingo cards, I guess you need this more than the rest of them.

That’s my lady Katie at Siren. All teeth and brows and real woman. The first row girl is usually the girl you want to be with. Drool on it.

DO WANT/DO NOT WANT

Farms/Milkin’ It
Someone To Knowingly Wear One Sock/Accidental Single Sock
Tour de France/Harry Potter Spoilers
Plastic Clothes/Plastic Bags

Confessions On The Dancefloor

“I’m looking for a laptop with 160 jigga-bytes.”

“I tell her, you the captain of you own life. Ain’t nobody guidin’ that shit but you.”

“When Mexican hearts crumble, they turn into nachos.”

TrendFucking

Placeholding

Placeholder. It sounds like something you’d find on a dining room table during a family dinner. But to Ryan M., it’s something else. What exactly is placeholding? In the shark-fested waters of high school/college, any guy with good looks and soccer skills is gonna win more than a sports trophy, he’s going to land a veritable entourage of women who crowd the stands at his practices and save seats for him at the lunch table. So what does the most sought-after young stud do to dash the hopes of his adoring female fans? Our professional player takes the best girl out of the group,to keep the other girls at bay.

“First, I leave them hanging. I pick the shy one who’s not gonna follow me around doe-eyed and expect me to call her at the same time every night. You give them a part of what you have,” he explains as he clenches his fists in togetherness. “And they think they’ve got you. If the other ones think I’m attached to this stand-in girl, they back off. I got em”, he adds smugly, “I got ‘em hooked.”

Does the little motherfucker have any remorse? “I never tell her I love her back, ’cause I’d be lying. So I don’t have to feel bad.”

What happens if you fall for a placeholder? It’s simple. He leans forward and looks me in the eye gravely. “They upgrade.”

Oh, man, this generation. You’re gonna get a letter from WTF after this.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 26th, 2007 at 11:13 am.