Dear Steven,
Look buddy, this is probably the last time we’re gonna talk you down from the ledge. We saw that you revisited the whole Philebrity-is-a-sellout meme today, but some recent shit has come to light that suggests maybe you should, well, maybe you should stop writing about us altogether. To wit:
· We heard it through the grapevine that you actually thought we got to keep that car. Steven, you’re a disgrace to the English education system. The car was a fucking loaner, you moron.
· We also have it on good authority — file it under rumor, file it as you wish — that our whole little flight-of-fancy advertorial with PhillyMag was actually a great rock ‘n’ roll swindle: When Infiniti saw the ad and oh-so-smarmy copy (in which it was revealed that Sweeney doesn’t even drive), they allegedly stiffed PhillyMag to the tune of about $30K. As someone clearly still living in 1977, even you must be able to appreciate the high hilarity of this.
· And finally, it’s 2007: Selling out no longer exists. And if working for yourself, starting your own business and taking dead aim on the lazy and witless is in fact selling out, then what do we make of a washed-up NME lout like you who draws pay from tranny ads?
Now, look: We know you’re still dickhurt about how we clown you all the time. But there’s a lot you don’t know. Like how we got livid at Valania when he made fun of your cancer, and how that was the beginning of the end with us and him. Like how we still would like to get that beer with you, because you seem like you’d be fun guy when you’re not frothing at the mouth over perceived slights to old gods almost dead. Like how every time you write one of these flimsily cloaked pieces about Philebrity, it denegrates Philadelphia Weekly (which seriously doesn’t need the help) and elevates us. And how, al-Quaeda production values aside, those videos make you look kinda cute in a Father Ted kinda way.
See? We bet you didn’t know any of that. Now how about that beer, you unintelligible Limey freak?

Warmly,

Team Philebrity

PS. Sweeney says he’s also sorry that we sent you that email last week about how it seemed very unpolite and very un-English that you and Everett True didn’t even have the decency to split up your hacky talking points between yourselves. That was mean. But still pretty fucking funny when you think about it.
Previously: Crunch All You Want, We’ll Make More

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007 at 12:12 pm.