But in a way, we do. Fich catches up with America’s next great hope (and England’s old one) David Beckham after the jump.

Get On My Level, Dave

David Beckham’s cleats have been on the ground in Los Angeles for only a few weeks, but the international zeitgeist of free kicks and wearing girl’s jeans is already wearing me out. Fortunately, me and the bol Becks are tight, so I dropped him an email to let him know that he needs to slow his celebrity roll before things on this side of the pond get out of hand.

D,

it’s been a while, I know. I can’t even begin to explain all the crazy shit that went down after you passed out at Martha Stewart’s black light party. Still kind of sorting that out — damage control, nahmean? I’ll break that down later, because I know you have some heavy shit to be sorting our right now. Look, I know that moving to America has probably been pretty tough on you- moving to a new country can be stressful, I know. But I can’t even imagine doing that sort of thing under such a watchful public eye. Do yourself a favor- relax. I’m your boy, I’ll help you out. Stick with me and you’ll do alright.

For starters, you gotta dead hanging out with Tom. Dude is crazy. Don’t even try bringing that dude out anymore on the weekends, he’s making everybody really uncomfortable. Let’s just leave it at “I don’t give a fuck about your idea for a time-travelling concept car — they already made a movie about that.” I used to think he was the thinking man’s Ralph Macchio, but now I’m not so sure.

Anyway, I won’t lecture you about your friends anymore, we’ve already been over that a dozen times. I should say that it’s great that you’re going to be living here, we’ll get to hang out a lot more, not just when you’re here for Spice Girls VIP events or Chris Tucker’s charity poker tournaments. Anyways, here’s my list of super fun stuff you should get on now that you live in America:

1. Mexican food

I don’t know exactly what kind of tacos you eat when you’re in Europe (Turkish maybe?), but here, we eat ones from Mexico. These things are great. Make sure to ask for chipotle (chee-pote-lay).

2. Rap music

I don’t know exactly what kind of rappers you listen to in Europe (Afu Ra maybe?), but here we have rappers that are way funnier and more intimidating. You’d probably like Dipset — they drive pretty fancy cars and they’re about as into fashion as you are.

3. Firearms

I don’t know exactly what kind of guns you carry in Europe (knives maybe?), but here we have a lot of fun carrying and discharging guns whenever we damn well please. Just don’t leave any in your car if you’re holding- I think that’s 5-10.

4. The South

I don’t know exactly what kind of folksy people you have in Europe (the Scots maybe?), but here we have all kinds of drawling people who can really spin a good story about possums or candy paint Cadillacs. We had a war on against these guys for a while, but it’s mostly over now.

5. Thanksgiving

I don’t know exactly how you justify inviting your whole family over to fight each other in Europe (televised cricket maybe?), but here we have a holiday where we give thinks for cranberries and game birds that presents an awesome opportunity for your aunt to stun everybody by bringing her girlfriend. You should really come to this at my house this year — Jewish Thanksgiving is like Passover Seder and a Woody Allen movie all rolled into one.

6. Small bills

I don’t know exactly how exactly you tip strippers in Europe (traveller’s checks maybe?), but here we have bills worth just about nothing. It makes you feel like you’re flossin’ when the convenience store breaks your twenty and gives you a thick stack. And with the ends you’re stacking from your new contract, I think I know some folks you should be getting down with.

That’s about all I’ve got for now. Gimme a holler on the cell (mobile?) when you get a chance, we’ll go to Dahlak.

Peace,

Fich

By the way, the winner of last week’s Award for Sustained Baseball Excellence by an Asshole was Ty Cobb… in a landslide. So I guess Barry Bonds (who finished second) may not be that well liked, but he’s got nothing on violent racists. Thanks to all who voted!

This entry was posted on Monday, July 16th, 2007 at 11:45 am.