This Week In Balls: Cast Your Vote TODAY For The Award For Sustained Baseball Excellence By An Asshole
Every vote counts, people. Do your bit for history as Michael Fichman narrows the (astoundingly wide) playing field, after the jump.
THIS WEEK: The Award for Sustained Baseball Excellence by an Asshole.
Welcome to sports hater Ground Zero
As Barry Bonds sullenly and methodically slugs his way towards Hank Aaron’s mythic mark of 755 home runs, it occurs to me that I can’t remember the last time the sports world was confronted with the duty of presenting the honor of myth and statistical immortality to an almost universally reviled figure. Now, say what you will about Bonds’ alleged steriod use, but the man is most certainly one of the greatest hitters in history and was even before he got all jacked.
But pretty much nobody likes Barry Bonds, and Barry Bonds likes pretty much nobody. The only people who seem to like him are San Franciscans and his relatives. His teammates can’t stand him, the fans can’t stand him, I can’t stand him, Morrissey can’t stand him (because he eats meat). Bonds-hatred has nothing to do with the fact that he may or may not be a cheater- it has to do with the fact that he is willing to treat his teammates, the media and just about anybody else like shit (more on this later).
As I said, we can’t exactly turn a blind eye to monumental achievement Bonds is about to, uh, achieve. The sports world isn’t exactly eager to give Bonds the respect commensurate with his achievements, and Bonds has even equivocated about donating any of his equipment to the Hall of Fame, but perhaps we can all meet in the middle.
I propose we create an award specially tailored to the talents of Barry Bonds, one that we could all agree rewards his superlative talents most appropriately. Conversely, maybe we can let Barry off the hook once we see exactly where he fits in baseball history. So let it be thus:
The Award for Sustained Baseball Excellence by an Asshole
Here are the rules:
1. You have to be transcendently successful ballplayer. For example, Ryan Howard has had, all told, two great years worth of playing experience — but that’s a drop in the bucket. Babe Ruth had nearly a dozen seasons that matched or exceeded Ryan Howard’s recent production. He also was once allegedly chased naked through a train by a woman with a knife- that is Sustained Excellence.
2. You must also be a transcendently successful asshole. This means that a lot of people don’t like you because you are a jerk.
3. No, Barry Bonds can’t just win the award by default. He has to earn it. There are plenty of other successful assholes out there.
Let’s take a look at our nominees:
Hold onto your dicks, hide the minorities, it’s Ty Cobb
Ty Cobb
EXCELLENCE:
· Credited with setting or breaking 90 major league records
· Baseball’s all-time hit and steals leader for about 60 years
· Still holds the highest career batting average
ASSHOLE:
· Stomped a handicapped guy in a racist rage
· Slapped a black elevator operator for being “uppity” and stabbed a man who intervened
· Would sharpen his spikes to fuck up infielders (see photo above)
Now 25% more asshole…wait- ew, gross
Barry Bonds
EXCELLENCE:
· Soon to be baseball’s all-time home run king
· Has won more than twice as many Most Valuable Player awards (7) than anybody else
· Holds the single season home run record
· Holds the single season major league records for on base percentage, slugging percentage, and walks
· Has stolen over 500 bases, by far the most for anybody nearing his home run totals with the exception of Willie Mays
· The all-time major league leader in career walks and intentional walks
ASSHOLE:
· Once demanded (and got) three lockers with his own furniture, entertainment system and nutritionist. Everybody else made do with just one locker.
· His college teammates once voted him off the team by a 22-2 margin after he violated multiple team rules.
· Is under investigation for perjury in the grand jury case investigating the BALCO steriods ring
· With Pittsburgh, he used to ditch charity auctions and fight with manager Jim Leyland about his contract on the field
Pete Rose shows Bud Harrelson his asshole credentials
Pete Rose
EXCELLENCE:
· Baseball’s all-time hits leader
· Made 17 all-star appearances at five (yes five) different positions
· A vital member of championship squads in Cincinnati and Philadelphia
· Owns a share of the National League’s longest hitting streak — 44 games — the closest anybody has come to DiMaggio’s record of 56
ASSHOLE:
· Banned from baseball for life for betting on his own team while managing the Cincinnati Reds
· Fifteen years after his ban, admitted betting on baseball in a move timed to coincide with the release of his memoir
· Separated catcher Ray Fosse’s shoulder by barreling him over in the 1970 All-Star game (an exhibition contest)
· While chasing the all-time hits record as a 44-year-old player manager, he adjusted his lineup so that he could get more at-bats, benching younger, more statistically impressive players
· Served a five month prison sentence for filing faulty income tax returns
Martin, you’re fired.
George Steinbrenner
EXCELLENCE:
· Under his ownership, the Yankees have been baseball’s most successful team, winning 10 pennants and 6 World Series titles.
· His Yankees have become, during his tenure as owner, easily the most valuable franchise in baseball
ASSHOLE:
· Plead guilty to making illegal donations to Richard Nixon’s 1972 campaign. He was eventually pardoned by Ronald Reagan
· Was suspended from baseball for life (but later reinstated) after paying a gambler to spy on then-Yankees star Dave Winfield
· Has changed managers 20 times in his thirty-odd years as Yankees owner, including firing Billy Martin 5 times
· Owns the Yankees (duh)
So, in keeping with the precedent for democracy set forth last week here at This Week in Balls, let’s put it to a vote. Remember, you aren’t just voting for the biggest asshole or the most successful nominee, you are voting for the man who blends extreme excellence and extreme dickheadishness most effortlessly. The poll closes at the end of this week.
Michael Fichman is a writer and DJ living in Philadelphia. He also blogs at Just Sayin’ and Pour The Science.
