88 Ways To Look Sexier This Summer
You back from vacation yet? Had your Hall & Oates open heart surgery? I’m up to my bionic ears in neon glitter macaroni art if anyone wants to start an art compound sometime soon. Uniform is paint-stained A. Winehouse short shorts with belt looped to the side and cheap moccasins. DNW? Fine, I still grill a good deal of shit outside of the A.C. Bore if you show me them buns…
This Shit Is Firecrackerz
L&I may have it in for fun, but only if it knows where fun is at. So luckily there are a handful of spots that they can’t have, and until they start reading le Shit, I’m gonna lay down some not-so-secret alternate digs. They can uptick the pricetag on our booze and ban us from our usual haunts, but on we shall go wassailing into the dawn, with moonshine in our backpacks and sweat from a hundred other people collected on our skin.
The Vacuum, 729 Tilghman St.
Excuse the droll quipster in your circle who cracks “We’re at the Vacuum. It sucks.” Homeboy’s gotta earn his keep somehow. This Kenzo warehouse is easier to get to than you think. It always bums me out that only half of you know how to properly use the El to your advantage.
The Arts Garage, 1516 Parrish St. [photo credit: FiftyOne: FiftyOne]
They barbecue. That word is worth its weight in nutritional yeast/Pumas/your Kool-Aid. If tomorrow’s White T’s And White Belts doesn’t officially pop the tart on this one, well, plus. It’ll live a lot longer.
St. Monica’s Parish, 16th & Shunk [photo credit: caramalynn]
Find an old bowling alley in a church basement, pack it with free beer , djs, and soft pretzels, and tell me that isn’t eau du South Philly stanking up the place. Mission 300 bombed the place with kegs back in May, and it’s going again next weekend. Work it out amongst yourselves.
Parks, Pools, And Squares, Yes, Please
No doubt you’ve already been to a show at McCarren Park Pool or McPark, if you will. Simmer down yoself, I get excited around words. Why we can’t get more park/pool actioooon around here is a bust. Sunday’s Illinois/Man Man free-4-all at McPark was not a mess. The line was nothing. I started all the way down the block, ate two bites of a bagel, and I was in before I could spot anyone with an outfit that I wanted. Once inside, I noticed that the line for Brooklyn Lager was manageable, Sparkys was offering up veggie dogs, and porta-potties with sinks outside were princess-status-affirming. You can high-five and finger lick in confidence, you handwashing pussies.
There’s still the Capitol Years show in the works for Jeff Sq Park after a decent turnout for The Teeth in June, and PW’s upcoming Rittenhouse Concerts In The Park is gonna fly directly in the face of freedom, but outdoor shenanigans are still hurting. Don’t even talk about Liberty Lands to me. Remember when the great Hilary Duff once said “so yesterday”?
The House Party [photo credit: yapsnaps]
Because there never was anything that could match it. Your bathroom gets a ton of ass, there’s always a girl in your bed afterwards, and you don’t have to stumble home. Granted, you could have a greater threat than L&I at your neck for this rustic home gig, but risk it. You’ll have an epic story to tell your adopted kids after their Wii 5 breaks and they can’t go outside because the sun will eat them.
Scene Points
The 1-up Mushroom and the Fireflower aren’t that hard to get, you guuuuys. Behold the frat boy who was walking down the street in U City carrying a big ol’ box of Mini-Wheats from which he was snacking. Fiber-loading is teh hot right now, and this fucker just lowered the bar.
DO WANT/DO NOT WANT
Sleeves Rolled Up/Sleeves Cut Off
Margarita Stuffed French Toast At Sabrina’s/Stuffed Chinatown Bus With Loud Ringtone Syrup
Free Healthcare/Free Radicals
To Stop Sucking At Facebook/To Check Facebook More Than Once A Week
The Next Cultural Phenomenom/Blackminton
Foil-Wrapped Leftovers In Your Fridge/Hangover-Wrapped Leftovers On Your Sofa
TrendFucking
Reebok’s “Run Easy” Running Maps
Can you outrun a bullet? Maybe not, but we just don’t feel safe walking, biking, or driving anymore. The solution is simple (Street, if you‘re reading, email yourself a memo), get a new pair of kicks on Sneaker St., type in your city, and the Reebok site will list some running trips around the area. So far, there are 20 runs for Philly. My pick is the Neighborhood Run, mostly ’cause it’s the most dangerous and I’m really low on adrenalin right now. I actually wouldn’t wear my new sneakers on this one. They’ve also got some lame game playlists on there, but Run Easy With Electro Bangers isn’t too weak. Blast that shit and you know, run easy (said in the tone of a sandpaper-voiced black man).
