Who is it? The answer will only surprise you if you’ve never had Crate & Barrel sex dreams about Chase Utley.
This Week: Throw Some Ds on That Prius
Several months ago, Polow Da Don (producer of Rich Boy‘s ’06 banger d’annee “Throw Some D’s” and others) suggested with complete seriousness that he is the “King of the White Girls.” Where exactly he got this idea, I’ll never know. I happen to be friends with several white girls who were entirely unaware that they’d been pre-emptively subpoenaed for prima nocte by some dude from Atlanta. I’m not here to get into the validity or sensitivity of the partitioning of white girls into their own hetero-servile Realm. Truthfully, I’ve always resented being cast under the yoke of Jesus, King of the Jewboys. However, I am here to suggest that Mr. Da Don needs to do his research before he proclaims himself king of an entire demographic. Dude better downgrade himself to Prince of Wales of the White Girls or Comptroller of the White Girls. Because everybody knows that THE KING is Chase Utley.
Utley, aside from being the best Major League second baseman since Jeff Kent (Alfonso Soriano doesn’t count, he’s an outfielder now), makes the ladies, uh, white girls go wild. If you don’t know this by now, the evidence isn’t hard to come by.
Choosey choosers chase and choose Chase!
For starters, there’s the fact that Utley has two fan clubs- Chase’s Chicks and Utley’s Uglies. Typically, a Phillies player only has one. Utley’s unwitting championing of Uglies pretty much hedges Bridge Crowd Pat Burrell out of the running. Girls punch each other in the face for Utley’s ladies-only give-away blanket like it was the bouquet at a wedding (I want to wrap myself in Chutley, they say — ew). Furthermore, just about everybody in the tri-state area knows some girl who secretly wishes they could marry their Utley bobblehead rather than their BF (he only says “yes”).
But Chase doesn’t pull with any Finnegan’s Wake bullshit — he’s got his game 360 degrees. He puts up MVP-quality numbers, he drives a hybrid car, rolls deep with pussy-magnet Al Gore and, perhaps most importantly, he made a point of getting married. Everybody knows that the easiest way to lock down the shorties is to proclaim your unavailability. Oh, did I mention he’s fuckin’ rich?*
Here, local youths display their red badges of Chourage.
Frankly, my evidence for posing Chase Utley as a challenger to Polow da Don was strictly anecdotal as I came into this investigation, but the mountain of Internet evidence I found was frightening. One whirl around flickr will give you an idea. I am just relieved I didn’t find any fan fiction where a mission to find the oh-so’perfect Chase turns into a regretful makeout session with drunken, smarmy former third baseman David Bell. Oh wait, I did. And I vomited. But this proves unequivocally that Chase Utley is the man who could be king.
But in the spirit of July 4th and democratic ideals upon which our great nation was founded, I decided that it’s probably not right (not to mention uncomfortable for me) to just go and proclaim a sovereign ruler of all white girls. No, it must be put to a vote. I set about conducting a legally binding straw poll with some ladies (or so they claimed) from the internets, and this is what I came up with:
Pretty conclusive: A bigger margin of victory than Bush v. Gore. So it’s decided — Chase Utley, President of the White Girls. Maybe Chase will let Polow da Don be Secretary of Agriculture of the White Girls.
By the way, none of this is enough to keep the Phils from tanking, and you know it. Happy 10,000th franchise loss, Philly!
*All of these attributes also apply to the author except the Major Leaguer part and the hybrid part and the other thing.
Michael Fichman is a writer and DJ living in Philadelphia. He also blogs at Just Sayin’ and Pour The Science.