Totally not making this up: The Inky reported yesterday that the Church Of Scientology just bought a 15-story office building near 13th and Chestnut. Not sure if you’ve been by the present Scientology-digs back behind the Convention Center, but suffice it to say, this is a move up. To ward off potential buyer’s remorse, we humbly submit our proposed plan for the new building’s layout. You know, see what works, see how it feels. Here goes:

1st Floor: Lobby and commissary: We’re thinking maybe they should just buy Pod and call it a vibe.
2nd Floor: Couples therapy for rugged individualists.
3rd Floor: Legal Department.
4th Floor: L. Ron Hubbard Preschool.
5th Floor: Ladies lingerie, accesories and linens.
6th Floor: Curves.
7th Floor: Philadelphia Scientology Outreach Center headed up by local rep Pat Croce.
8th Floor: Office rental to Cashman & Associates.
9th Floor: This is the room where the Scientologists are waiting for present emo christians, Jim Bakker’s kid and Spank Rock to walk in one day and lay it all down on dianetics. You guys probably won’t be waiting for too long, so maybe also set up a Wii in there.
10th Floor: “Beck‘s Wheatgrass Cafe & Chill-Out Room.”
11th Floor: Paul Green School Of Rock, new HQ.
12th Floor: Talkin’ Shit With Kelly Decoding/Deprogramming Rooms.
13th Floor: There is no 13th floor. Nothing to see here. And if you tell the Masons this place exists, you’re history. Hear me? HISTORY.
14th Floor: Psych med storing room and research lab, just in case psychiatry isn’t bullshit.
15th Floor: PHILEBRITY NEW WORLD HEADQUARTERS!

Inky: On The Other Hand, You Could Also Just Put A Sneaker Store Down There

This entry was posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 9:02 am.