1. The population that lives here year-round is engaged in a psychological war with you that only they really know about. Those of you that have lived in Old City should be familiar with this phenomenon. You know how you walk outside your door in search of coffee or Gatorade each morning, only to be confronted with the lumpen masses of mouth-breathers lollygagging and looking at you and your dog like you’re from fucking outer space? The folks who live down here have it not-quite-equally as bad: Their summers are shitted up by you and your family, but in almost every case, they’re on the take, making money in one way or another off of your absolutely hellish family vacation. It drives them witless, to the point where the only slur they can come up with is “Shoobie,” when in fact, you are something far, far worse: An American Citizen.
2. There are only like four decent restaurants along this whole Jersey Shore line. They are, in order of awesomeness, The Blue Pig at Congress Hall in Cape May; Sylvester’s in Avalon; The Sea Grille in Avalon; and The Clam Bar in Somer’s Point. Otherwise, it’s Mack & Manco or screaming babies and red-and-white tablecloths for you.
3. Everywhere you go, there will be screaming babies. Just get over it now. If it helps, just remember that the parents of these screaming babies have, in more cases than not, made utterly awful life choices. We love you enough to weather the absolutely insane letters we’re about to get from new parents starting right… now.
4. You will, without fail, empty your wallet like a virgin sailor on three-day leave in Thailand. Luckily for you, when you get back home, you live in a city where it actually is possible (although most unhealthy) to live on $9 a day. And live on that $9 you shall.
5. You won’t meet anybody. I mean, maybe if you’re some crazy post-collegiate dying-to-breed type who’s already hanging out in Manayunk and on Second Street on the weekends, well then perhaps YOU, you amazing prize, will find someone to dilute your gross Villanova DNA with. But for the rest of us? Anyone you would meet and fuck down here, you already know. Now get out there and enjoy your vacation!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 6th, 2007 at 9:25 am.