No doubt you were missing our spongier side what with all of this mayoral hardball. Now that Sweeney is six feet under in Palmer Cemetery, down to business! We’re not snack cake aficionados over here, but the vote is clear in Philadelphia: Tastykakes are king, Hostess is trash, and Entenmann’s spells their products correctly, thereby screwing themselves out of our respect forever. Plus TK is always coming out with some avant garde, kreme-y, krimpet-y, kandy-assed kreation. Yeah, sometimes things get outta control over there at TK HQ, which as we’ve mentioned, is on the move, a transfer we attribute to running out of space for all of the dead recipes. We can’t think of a better way to kick off your morning than a sugar coma. So we ran over to the corner bodega, or the holy grail Wawa, or any other cave where fatty snacks incubate. Then we snatched up some of the newest kids in klass. Meet Limited Edition Pineapple Cheese Pie, PB&J Krimpets, 100 Calorie Cookie Sticks, and Alex’s Lemon Krimpets. After the jump, we unwrap that shit and get friendly.

Pineapple Cheese Pie: This pie is like 3% actual pineapple, 1% cheese, and 96% crust. Since we’re not South or fucked up enough to be a pie town, ever, that’s okay. Give us our rectangular snack pies and we’ll deal. But we wouldn’t take this one home with us. Go for the regular apple, the magnificent Tasty-Klair, or the Tasty Grahams Pudding Pie, which we’d call our own in a second.

PB&J Krimpets: They’re not Peter, Bjorn, & John Krimpets. We thought so, too, and almost showed up outside their dressing room with a whole box once. Anyway, you know how Tastykakes are notoriously slimy when you tear open the film to release them? These Krimpets deliver that sleazy moisture, with a faux-tasting peanut butter icing on a jelly-filled sponge cake. Not sexy, but not a terrible idea.

100 Calorie Cookie Sticks: They come in Oatmeal Raisin and Chocolate Chip, but it doesn’t matter. Please don’t eat them. They taste like pencils, and you could go have a chocolate cupcake for the same amount of calories, so why would you? Dork.

Alex’s Lemon Krimpets: Guess what? That Lemonade Stand kid has found a way to get back at you for not buying a cup of watered down lemon spit. The foundation has partnered with Tastykake to make the most karing Krimpet on display, and this shit is edible to boot! We’re not sure exactly how many cancer-causing chemicals are in the lemon filling, but we don’t Kake it on a regular basis, so we’ll be alright. Drink up. No, seriously, we bought a whole package. Wanna mash ‘em up in the blender and make Lemon Krimpet Smoothies? Shoot, you are not the fun.

Now, think hard for this, if Philebrity were to debut a Tastykake, and we’re not gonna say never, just what would it consist of? Best idea wins. A huge fucking salad.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 16th, 2007 at 10:02 am.