Simon Says put your hands and knees away. And keep those sockets in your pockets. Wait, you didn’t get the mass text about the demise of Hands & Knees? Because we can count on one hand how many H&Ks are left. And each time we say five, at least 37 owners of the same bangs shudder. The itsy bitsy spider of truth just rolled up, said nothing gold, young, and cheap can stay, and nip/tucked your Friday night in one fell swoop. Lips won’t move ’round here, but host Jonny Sorber does admit “We’re all doing a million things,” and gives the ultimate kiss-off, “I’m joining a band.”

Well, damn, clear your calendars, people. Nobody can party until the dishes are done. Truth is, I liked the option of dismissing Friday happenings amongst friends, concluding with “Well, we can always go to H&K if that falls through.” It was the ultimate Plan B. And if it was your plan A, I totally understand, just don’t mention it in public. There are reasons why the M Room has people coming out of its ass on Friday nights. Dancing is guaranteed. The DJs will talk to you. You’ll get your picture taken by your professional best friends. Was it losing touch? Was there Livejournal-typa drama? To think about it hard is dangerous. You’re gonna scrunch up that flawless forehead.

What concerns me is selfish, yet entirely reasonable. I’m trying to imagine the gaping hole that this removal will leave on the H&K Kids Club once they are forced to disband. Will they invade Johnny Brenda’s, where only 9 of them will make it past the door, and the rest will call it a night, become suburban-style bored, and end up making babies for lack of nothing else to live for? Either way, somebody’s getting the shaft. But what if they look towards the bright lights of the new Silk City and try to believe the dream? Will Socket rise anew? Or will a drunken vote decide that Eyelashes & Hip Bones is to be the champion hang? It’s too soon to tell, but I’m thinking yes, yes, yes, no, and no. Ask me something I can answer now. Like, is there anything to do on Friday night? You bet your sweet ass, and you’re about to find out.

[Editor’s note: Kelly White is Philebrity’s intern and, as it happens, second cousin. As she states in her MySpace profile, “I have Arctic Splash in my blood and blood in my Arctic Splash.” Blood in, blood out, Kells.]

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007 at 8:24 am.