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Kelly White Explains It All: Honey, You Shrunk Philadelphia

090805philly.jpgPhiladelphia is now the 6th largest U.S. city, and by that we don’t mean obese. We topped out at 5th last year, so it’s not like the population change is noticeable, and over in Port Richmond, we hear a gaggle of teen girls are reproducing at the rate of rabbits on speed. After careful thought, I offer you the reasons why people are sleeping over in/with Philadelphia and then not returning her calls when they get back to Phoenix or NYC.

  • This one is no mystery. Ever check out our homicide rate? 2+2=4, man. We’re losing pulses.
  • Erik Bader left Philadelphia. Slam.
  • The Census Bureau neglected to count Homelessville (15th and Market-ish) in their tally.
  • The line at Sabrina’s for weekend brunch claims sole responsibility for weeding out the weak. If that doesn’t get ‘em, the french toast usually does them in.
  • Men have been slipping birth control into drinks of unsuspecting females.
  • There is no way to account for our illegal population in South Philly. You look away for a second, and there’s a platter of enchiladas in your hand and noone in sight.
  • City Hall has an underground enclave that extends way below the reaches of Philadelphia. It’s like a mile before hell, and evil bidding is in full bloom there.
  • Everyone in Northern Liberties decided that getting-a-dog was the new having-a-baby. Damn their IQs.

    But hey, you guys are still here, Move To Philly knows what’s up, and we still can’t reach the bar at Making Time without making threats. We’re not that worried.

    [Editor’s note: Kelly White is Philebrity’s intern and, as it happens, second cousin. As she states in her MySpace profile, “I have Arctic Splash in my blood and blood in my Arctic Splash.” Blood in, blood out, Kells.]

    This entry was posted on Friday, March 23rd, 2007 at 12:43 pm.

    • 2 Responses to “Kelly White Explains It All: Honey, You Shrunk Philadelphia”

    1. bangum smurf Says:
      March 23rd, 2007 at 2:44 pm

      after a bit of research

      it seems Phoenix is over double the Physical size of philadelphia.

      these are just sprawling disasters . not big ” cities “

    2. Patricio Says:
      March 24th, 2007 at 6:26 pm

      Actually Phoenix is nearly 4 times the physical size of Philadelphia. Even if you added both Philly and New York’s sq miles they would still be smaller then Phoenix.

      To call Phoenix sprawlville is as honest as Big Macs making you fat.

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