The wait is over. When we launched our now-annual MySpace Sluts poll last year, we had no idea what we were getting into. It was and remains our most popular post ever, and we have the search term results to prove it. (For some reason, “strippers,” “Toastee,” “spelling bee,” and “Benneton” are also very popular.) So this year, we took our time putting it together, because we wanted to get it right. We considered the tough issues with open minds and tough-loving hearts: What do we do with a profile that’s so jacked up we begin to worry its creator is actually mentally retarded? How do we tackle those abusing people’s comments section? What do you do about people — like politicians, for instance — who shouldn’t be on MySpace at all? We took it all very seriously, so you don’t have to.

After the jump, this year’s honorees.

10. DNA Salon

The first time DNA Salon posted a seriously way too huge 8.5×11” poster of itself on our comments section, we were like, “Aww, that’s cute, they just got on the Internet and don’t know how to resize photos. Whatever, it’s all good.” The second time they did it, we were like, “Jeez, that’s kinda annoying.” When we noticed they were hogging up massive comments real estate on whoever’d be damn fool enough to let ‘em, we were like, “Wait a minute. That is the very essence of MySpace Sluttage.” And so it goes: From what we hear, DnA totally has its shit together — sometimes they even have dudes from other countries who invented all kinds of shampoos and shit just come to the salon to talk about shampoo — but sometimes, even having it all can’t stop you from sluttin’ it up like the town pump. Trust us, we would know.

9. People Who Want To Be Mayor

First it was the bands, then it was the labels, then came the stores and bars and restaurants, and then came… the politicians. The politicization of MySpace was inevitable, and there is no doubt at all that social networking sites offer massive potential for getting the word out, the positive results of which we talk about in this year’s honorable mentions. But there is just one problem: I really don’t want Michael Nutter seeing my bulletin about how I really miss doing mushrooms and skinny dipping in 2004.

8. No More Bear Meat In The Glory Hole

In case you are wondering, NMBMITGH takes her MySpace handle from this Philebrity classic, but that’s not why she rolls in at number eight. Naw, the thing about Bear Meat is that she thinks MySpace is her mom — checking in a few times a day on the bulletin board about where she is, what she’s up to, and if there’s anything anybody needs. Which is refreshing since every other bulletin on MySpace these days is about a DJ night or a survey on how many gerbils you can shove up your ass and reposts of articles about how the government staged 9/11. Funny how the MySpace bar has been set so low that none of these things just mentioned even count as spam on the site anymore. No More Bear Meat In The Glory Hole, we need more totally frivolous posting like the kind you’re doing. It’s the only way to keep the noise down.

7. SecretDreamer

Alright, now we’re cooking with gas, people. Secret Dreamer falls into the category of MySpace sluts that was last year occupied by people like Chinese Roulette, which is to say, their entire profile is akin to what it would look like if Bollywood itself shat its pants, left itself on your doorstep, rang the bell, and when you came to the door, it sprouted up in a Betty Page costume and said, “LOVE ME!” In the real world, this might seem like a dis, but in the world of MySpace Slutology, Secret Dreamer is taking it straight up NEXT LEVEL. She’s got nine pages of pictures — sadly, not a one of them is a full body shot — and there’s just as many of her as there are of weird Internet mod art — we think it might be hers, but seriously, who knows — which suggests that like anyone going for the pro leagues in this MySpace slut game, she has not been outside since 2003. But you know what? She’s cute. We like her. It’s not often that we get to say this, so let’s say it now: MySpace, you are a fucking crazy genius. We’ll all be kinda sad when you die.

6. SpankRockSucks/SweeneySucks (tie)

New for 2006: The Hater Profile. While MySpace is truly a great vehicle for getting together all kinds of people — even people who hate other people get a little lonely sometimes — the First Principle Of Hateration still applies: Crow about someone long enough and hard enough, and you only a) increase said object of hatred’s buzz, and b) make yourself look like a fucking unemployable loser with a lot of shitty bands as friends to keep you company. Kinda like Spank Rock and Sweeney themselves, come to think of it! (P.S. to SweeneySucks: You might wanna take a look at how we clowned your blog when you tried to steal an image from us the other day. )

5. Oh My Todd!

Todd Whateverhisface has scored a MySpace trifecta if you will: 1) He confesses right away that he dreams of taking the world by storm with his IMPROV COMEDY skills — we shit you not — and 2) he’s got well over 5,000 friends and 3) his page is loaded up with all kinds of animated gifs and stupid background shit and third-party-hosted videos. When you add them all up, Oh My Todd wants nothing more than to crash your computer and then keep it real with you as he lays down the hottest improv this side of Carrot Top. Nominated multiple times.

4. ColorDancer

To our knowledge, ColorDancer — hailing from “East Philadelphia,” oh my — is the only person left on Earth that still listens to trance, Paul Van Dyk, Ministry of Sound and all those other CDs you sold back for store credit some time in 2000. Which makes her something of a scientific curiosity, really; it’s as if this very person is a time capsule. We say this not out of disdain or disgust but rather, a kind of cosmic “Really?” Our lady has it all — hideous cartoon raver backdrop, a profile song that’s like Weird Al dropping electro, a “U Are A True Clubber IF…” manifesto and a complete listing of all the absolutely deadly-bad DJ nights she’ll be going to for the next month or so. (Also a few coke references here and there, which should work out great if she ever, you know, wants to get a job or something.) PLUS 4 pages of pictures, half of which feature her in a bikini. It’s like she’s asking God for a stalker.

3. Kyle

We were kind of shocked when a couple different people nominated Kyle, who, as it happens, is a very close friend of a few of us here at Philebrity. But there’s no preferential treatment in MySpace Slutology, so Kyle, here we go. “See a long hair hippies and afro blacks…we all get together…cross tracks..and we PARTAAY… party on the good foot!”" — that’s Kyle’s personal quote, and that’s my man to a T. Kyle is the secret bridge in Philadelphia between beardy hipsters and insanely beautiful black women, between our funky past and our indie present, and you simply will not find a sweeter dude anywhere. So what if he’s got 1,239 friends and nothing but his own smiling face to pimp? If this dude was ever to move out of Philly, race riots would break out within 3 days over which crowd of friends was getting him wasted before he left. But you know Kyle would get ‘em all together in the same place anyway. If slutting like this is wrong, we don’t wanna be right.

2. Jamergurly182

Pull yourself together, lady.

1. Damaged Goods From Hands & Knees

One thing that we always wind up talking about with DJs and the like is how there is like this Hands & Knees Nation running around Philly now. The kids who go to this party represent a new iteration of Philly’s long tradition of clubkid personalities/gangs, and their dedication to wearing too much makeup and legwarmers and getting entirely too fucked up is immense. But we have to say, we worry about them, whether it’s this one or this one or that one or this one or that one (especially her, she’s one of our own) because all of these people, if you weighed them together, would weigh about 193 pounds dripping with Sparks. On the other hand, who else would we turn to when we wanted an emaciated 23-year-old to fuck us, steal our ATM card and then call the cops on themselves when they wind up locking themselves in our apartment?

Honorable Mention:

“Thanks For The Add!”

Seriously, fuck you and the “add” you rode in on.

Philly Against Santorum

Dirty Secret of DemSweep ‘06: Myspace.com/PhillyAgainstSantorum. Special recognition is due to these guys, who worked it really hard to get that frothy mixture out of office — PhillySantorum and MySpace were a perfect fit, where activism and humor achieved a most honorable goal. Around Election Time, these guys were everywhere, sluttin’ it up for the good of America; they’re obviously retired now, but their spirit lives on at YoungPhillyPolitics.

Philebrity’s MySpace Sluts Of Philly Poll is conducted via reader submissions and staff suggestions. It is intended to satire the myriad facets of online ridiculousness; it is not be taken too, too seriously, and placing in this poll does not necessarily suggest loose morals or sexual promiscuity on the part of those named. Philebrity always encourages submissions — here, we’d like to thank our readers for those submissions — while reminding our readers to be self-aware when establishing online personae. Be good to yourselves, and one another. And, uh, by the way: We’re on MySpace, too.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 12th, 2007 at 4:13 pm.