For those of you not Miltonically Oriented, Ask Crooks is basically what passes for an “advice column” around our parts. Substitute “The Totally Crushing Brutal Truth” for “Advice” and you’re a little closer to what we’re looking at here. Moving our beanbags, brushed-steel lobster buckets full of chipped ice and glass bottles Coca-Cola, Renee the Secretary, the Nintendo Wii, and the LEGEND OF STREET DOG over to the Philebrity offices hasn’t been an easy transition, but with the return of Crooks things are starting to feel like home once again. Please put down the Wiimote and grab yourself an ice-cold Coke as we give a warm Philebrity welcome to our old pal, Crooks.

Dear Crooks, my ex is moving into my neighborhood with her new man. I don’t think I can handle it. Any advice?

Crooks responds:

Goddammit you fool. For the first time in 160 years unmarried adults outnumber the married. Do you realize what this means? Basically, you’re in the fast lane to a life in the bone yard and she’s in the carpool lane to Boringville. The way the system is set up now, you no longer have to live in fear of a dwindling dating pool as you grow older. There is no rush to find Ms. Right (there is also no Ms. Right). It’s alright, you’re OK.

Alright, because you’ve been conditioned since birth to believe that love is real, what I just said is probably of no help to you. You think that seeing her at the grocery store or the local bar is going to crush your fragile soul. Well there is no body armor that’s going to protect your heart from those daggers of pain, and you’re right, it’s hard seeing someone you once loved move on, and having it smeared in your face on a regular basis. Christ, they may even move so close that on a warm summer night, with your windows open, you’ll be able to hear her scream in ecstasy as he pumps her full of babies. What are you going to do about it?

Make that neighborhood YOURS. It’s fight or flight baby and if you have an ounce of self-respect you’ll put on the gloves and get to punching. Here are a few steps to get you started.

Wear all florescent clothing all the time. Head to toe. Bright yellow pink and green. Stay visible. This isn’t a safety precaution. This is your bright peacock tail. This is the alpha male lion’s mane. This is your way of being even more recognizable from a distance and making sure that when they see you they remember it. FOREVER. This is YOUR neighborhood and you’re so goddamn comfortable here that you dress like Sinbad in ‘89.

Make friends with every store employee that you frequent. The food store, the beer place, the coffee shop. Now if you run into the ex and her man you won’t be alone and you’ll come across as a man who really connects with people, even though you don’t really do that so well.

Oh yeah. I’m gonna get a lot of shit for this but build a fucking harem. Doesn’t have to be sexual, and of course you have to all be honest with each other and everyone involved is free to see whomever else they want. Now she sees you with a different girl every night. You’re a man in demand, and if you aren’t, fake it.

But really, just get over it and move on with your life. Everyone goes through these things and almost all of us make it out alive.

Got a question for Crooks? Send at your own peril to info@truejersey.com. Tough love to follow.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 27th, 2006 at 2:49 pm.