8:31pm: I’m at an undisclosed location in Northern Liberties, watching the results ‚Äî panning between CNN and CN8, mostly because Patrick can’t stand Lynne Doyle ‚Äî and here we go. 12-pack of Sol, you’re on.
8:34pm: NBC10, what are you, fucking retarded? Slideshow of a woman almost falling down the stairs. Amazing.
8:36pm: Now aint this some shit!

9:14pm: ABC and CNN calling a Santorum loss. Strangely, not a single mention of a Casey victory just yet. Where is he? Casey? Is that you? Are you there? In related news, waiting on webcam footage of giant pi?±ata full of semen being broken at Savage Love victory party.

The rest, after the jump.

9:02pm:“We’ve lost a real champion in Rick Santorum,” declares fat bastard on CNN, before doe-eyed speculation of a Santorum prez run in ‘08. Go make yourself a sandwich, bub, ‘cos ABC is busting the sayonora-Santorum move, too. BREAK DANCE. ELECTRIC BOOGIE.
9:04pm: Phileb operative at the Rendell Victory Party at the Warwick Hotel reports: “the rendell party is filled with crazy people… it’s a mix of suits and the campaign workers, who you know are a bit off for donating that much of their time , but swear it’s worth it because Rendell is like one of them… then the really crazy people…who know they can get some free grub….and come up to reporters and ask who Lynn Swann is.” We need to crash this party. You know Eddie’s gonna have mad sluts up in there. Conor, call me. Let’s do this.
9:14pm: CHECK INKY GRAPH: Ed Rendell has put Lynn Swann in between his breasts, done a big coochee-coochee dance, and literally CRUSHED HIM INTO DUST.
9:21pm: Jim Bear of G-Town Radio on the vibe in Germantown: “the people around me were out in force. the majority of people on the streets around us are hard core bush/republican haters. it was pretty exciting to hear about the high turnout for a mid-term election.”
9:24pm: Put it all in perspective, people: Kinky Friedman’s getting 10% of the vote in Tejas. If you don’t know who Kinky Friedman is, stop reading this site and put Veronica Mars back on.
9:34pm: Inky calls Menendez. Meanwhile, we’re trying to figure out when to start partycrashing. We’re dying to see the Santorum concession speech. Possible zinger: “I respect God’s right to choose to abort me from politics.” You can have that one if you want, Ricky. Think of it as a parting gift.
9:40pm: Celebratory Santorum defeat postings begin on Myspace bulletin board. Local publicist Paige Wolf: “Suck It Santorum! Yeah, suck it!!! WHooooooooO!!!!!!!!!!”
We agree. Suck it, Santorum. Suck it.
9:57pm: And suck it he does. Concession speech goes like this: Many children onstage crying – CRYING – while Ricky goes the “I’m gonna take this time and be a GREAT FATHER” or some such route. Action News cuts out of the speech like a bunch of bitches. Man, those kids are gonna have the shittiest year at school ever. This is so fucking Willy Loman I can’t even take it. CN8 carries it a little bit longer for more coverage from People I Have Never Seen Before In My Life.

10:03pm: Ok. Time to go see how the populace is handling this. Barring anything Earth-shattering, we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Congrats to everybody except people who lost. It’s all your fault. Get your crying children off the stage. You are scarring them for life. Enough already.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 7th, 2006 at 9:37 pm.