Regular readers of the site should recognize Lord Whimsy. A native of the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, Whimsy has single-handedly raised the mighty pink fist of dandyism anew for our times. His first book, The Affected Provincial’s Companion, has recently been reprinted. On Sunday, September 3rd, Philebrity will be proud to present Whimsy’s official book launch during the Fringe Festival. Stay tuned for more info about “SEERSUCKA!,” the Whimsy/Philebrity showdown at the Fringe Cabaret in the coming days.

After the jump, Whimsy boldly parses our civic culinary birthright.

THE NATURAL HISTORY OF THE CHEESESTEAK

A distant relative of the sea cucumber and mortal enemy of the cuttlefish, the CHEESESTEAK has forsaken its wild origins to live among man and his machinations. Preferring environments with blinding light and loud music, it has found willing hosts within the tripesome bowels of humans who dare venture into their hives, which are often manned by those poor souls who have already succumbed to its parasitic advances, and whose minds writhe in impotent silence while their mouths involuntarily intone, “Wit or witout?”

HISTORY

Embalmed and stuffed specimens of cheesesteaks started reaching the trade centers of Europe in and around the late 19th century, when forays into New Guinea’s mysterious Sepik River Valley were first being made. Reports of lost expeditions were a staple of Western newspapers at the time, but when accounts of party members stumbling out of the bush compulsively repeating “Yo!” started appearing with a degree of regularity, it piqued the interest of the scientific community, who funded and sent independent expeditions of their own.

Of course, what scientists and authorities didn’t know was that by the time these scientific expeditions were underway, unknown schools of cheesesteaks had made their way into the bilge systems of visiting cargo ships, and were en route to major ports in North America. As fate would have it, those ships bound for our fair city would transform Philadelphia into what it is today: a hive that preys on its human hosts. Yes, my friends—like ants milking aphids, we Philadelphians are livestock for cheesesteaks!

Don’t believe? Then read on, and weep the kind of bitter tears that can only come with resignation.

Ôøº

PHYSIOLOGY/LIFE CYCLE

Cheesesteaks are especially attracted to alcohol (a), and those potential hosts who have been partaking of this social supplement will find themselves particularly susceptible to the cheesesteak’s beguiling repertoire of visual displays, squeaks, clicks, pops, and scents.

After enticing the host with phermones uncannily similar to various bargain foodstuffs, the cheesesteak will enter its host orally (b). (Other points of entry have been made known, but are most often the result of altercations with hosts from rival cheesesteak hives, and are less common.)

Once inside the host, the cheesesteak will absorb said alcohol (c), and will often then pass through the host with an alarmingly high velocity—indeed, arcs as far as eight feet have been documented (d). The discarded cheesesteak, now flush with nutrients and free of its host, now releases cheesesteak spores (e), which float away on bus exhaust to start new hives.

Incredibly, some individuals report having been thus afflicted thousands of times over the course of their lifetimes, falling time and again for the cheesesteak’s unchanging ruse. Scientists will often refer to these serial hosts as “power bottoms,” and study these individuals as closely as they dare, in a manner similarly employed by vulcanologists.

Rumors of gargantuan chesesteak hive queens curled up in the deepest recesses of these hives have circulated for years, but actual sightings have not yet been confirmed. Some speculate that cheesesteak hives are in league with parasitic water ice cartels, whose host-driven fleets of trucks afford the queens mobility, thus enabling them to establish new hives elsewhere.

TREATMENT

If you find that a cheesesteak is indeed inside of you, do not panic—for many people thus afflicted can, with therapy, go on to lead productive lives, and some may even have host-children.

You will find that your cheesesteak will like to coil up around the base of your medulla oblongata, found at the base of your skull—and so prefers that this part of the body remain in shade. A backwards baseball cap will commonly be seen on hosts for this very reason.

The cheesesteak also finds the sounds and inflections native to the English language to be especially soothing, and will react violently against any other languages spoken by its host. Research has found that the English language is unique in that, when spoken especially loud, it will actually vibrate the cheesesteak within the host, and rid it of uncomfortable mites.

Cheesesteaks are a fact of life, and are nothing to be ashamed of; however, if your physician finds that you have been infected, state law compels the host to call everyone he has eaten with that week, to advise they too get tested.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 21st, 2006 at 11:57 am.