>>> Elizabeth Wellington graduates from Bikini Summer School, reveals two-piece history AND non-local kindertr?§ume, all in one weekend! Leave it to El-Well to discover the bikini clearance rack at Target, prompting her to wax nostalgic on her first two-piece venture at age 25. Meanwhile, five year olds in the ’70s up until now spent their dog days prancing around in itsy bitsies. Plus, we know fully-growns who don bikinis just to drink beer in, with nary an ounce of water in sight. You so grew up out of town, Wellie.
>>>Dating, while cute and all, went the way of the newspaper: Nobody does it anymore. So while snickering through da Inky’s Beyond Dinner And A Movie suggestions, we thought we’d do ‘em up Phileb-style, in case you lovebirds wanna get retro and wait for sex.
THEY SAY: Make-your-own S’mores at Cosi.
WE SAY: Have a go at romantical and less sticky tower-of-Sparks building.
THEY SAY: Be completely uncool and Ride the Ducks.
WE SAY: Get more uncool and ride the Superbike. Sevensomes are the new threesomes, be still our hearts.
THEY SAY: Skeeball at Dave and Buster’s.
WE SAY: Sure, if you want a peck on the cheek afterwards. Columbus Blvd. means Club Risque. It’s where singles go to die.
>>> And finally: ATTTENTION PARENTS! Books often contain subversive ideas, bad behavior and, um, “salty argot.” ATTENTION KIDS! This is why reading is funda-motherfucking-mental.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 31st, 2006 at 8:48 am.