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Dr. Philebrity: Why Did George Bush Fly The Planes Into The Towers?

Dear Dr. Philebrity,
Seems like these days, I can’t even get close to a water cooler, coffee shop or bar without somebody bending my ear in 20 minute chunks about that movie Loose Change, that basically says the government pretty much staged 9/11. Have you seen this movie? How can it be? And if you don’t believe the movie’s claims, does that mean you’re just another cog in the system, man?

Concerned,

Agent CQ

The good doctor separates myth from mass hallucination after the jump.

Dear CQ,
First of all, it’s great to be back. GREAT. I wish more people were asking me questions these days, instead of getting all their info from the streets. It’s like I’ve got gazillions of dollars worth of malpractice insurance over here, and nobody to mal-practice on. Such is life in a city apparently totally free of sickness and woe, right? Yes, it’s a blue heaven up here in the 215.
Anyway, I was hoping someone was gonna ask me that. One night last week, I sat in a hotel room and watched the entire new edit of Loose Change on Google Video. For the uninitiated, this is a documentary that’s making the rounds that pokes scads of holes in what we think! we! know! about the events of September 11, 2001. Much is made about how facts don’t line up, how the science of destruction doesn’t line up with things that were supposed to have happened on that day, and the film also uncovers outright lies the media and government have purported about that fateful day since.
These new facts and the knowledge of the lies beneath them make a strong case for what any thinking person has got to suspect: That we’ve been lied to about 9/11 since the moment the tragedies began to occur, and certainly before, and goodness gracious after. So that is not exactly news.
What is news about Loose Change is the theory put forth by the film itself � that, for some reason, probably money, the burgermeisters currently running loose like monkeys on Ritalin around the White House staged this whole freakin’ thing. And that is where I must step in and play Doctor, and tell you, from the core of my being:
This movie is a load of horse shit.
First of all, the narrator is completely unbelievable. It’s almost like you can see him doing bong hits and going, “And another thing! THAT PLANE ENGINE IS MADE OF CANDY!” This douchebag sounds like a moron from your film class in 1994. It’s not so much that you don’t believe his facts, it’s that… well, even with all the obvious lies and coverups on the part of Big Bruvva, it’s still a fucking stretch.
Secondly � and I know this is kind of not really the point � I tend not to trust anything these days that has as truly awful a trip-hop soundtrack as Loose Change does. Cue back to the filmmaker’s living room: Dude spills bongwater while trying to cue up that totally sweet DJ Shadow remix. Aye carumba. Why not just throw on our North Face jackets, grab our giant cel phones and rush out into that bold dot-com sunshine? This dude is clearly living in a whole gaggle of not-very-self-aware fogs.
The biggest among those fogs? The smokey haze of the conspiracy theorist. In that assertion that 9/11 was staged, the makers of Loose Change sully what could have been, should have been a much more soul-shaking film. In the rush to come to a conclusion (SportsCenter must have been coming on soon), these guys fuck up the facts with an answer when it would have sufficed to simply ask a question: Why the hell are we being lied to? And so badly at that?
With that, the good doctor will leave you with a little wisdom: Conspiracy theorists are almost always right. Just not about the things they think they’re right about.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 29th, 2006 at 2:20 pm.

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Dr. Philebrity: Why Did George Bush Fly The Planes Into The Towers?

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