Philebrity Xtra: Jersey Dan Reports Live From March Madness

ncaaJERSEY DAN reports: I know what youíre thinking: A sports-related post on Philebrity? Ever the rare occurrence, once and awhile I will bring yaíll a paragraph or 2 on sports happenings here in Chokesville.
While Sweeney was down at SXSW, I stayed back to hold down the fort w/ Dr. Valania, and to attend the NCAA First & Second Round games at the Wachovia Center. These tickets were no easy feat, but thanks to Craigslist and some dumb luck I scored tixx for all 6 games this weekend for just a few dollars above face value. That’s the view from our seats you’re looking at. Owie.

Full report and CHOKEWATCH after the jump.

Yes, our seats were in the last row of Section 217, as far away from the court as possible. The only way our seats could have been shittier is if we were if they didnít exist. With some ninja-like tactics my posse of 3 (DD, Danny & Razor, word!) and I bounced around the arena and watched from many angles throughout the weekend.
Every other publication in the world will talk wins and losses, but I thought Iíd make some observations on the NCAAís from the Philebrity point of view:
This was a total sausage-fest. Most sporting events have this disease, but it was out of control. The few women who were there were oogled like a cupcake at fat-camp. Girls who would normally rank as a 5 (of 10) automatically jumped to a good, solid 7.5. Any real lookers that would rank as a 6 or higher automatically looked like FREE DRUGS.
The Friday afternoon games might as well have been played in a boardroom. Every dude over the age of 30 with a real job (that they clearly called out of to get to the games) was constantly playing with their mobile email devices or on their cell phone. Fucking put them away dude, you are at the closest thing to spring break youíll ever be on again!
Everyone here dresses like they are about to do yard work. College t-shirt, blue jeans, sneakers. Men, women, children, all in a uniform. If you were wearing a collared shirt you were mistaken for a fashionista. Also, some advice here: If you didnít go to one of the schools playing, donít wear your alma mater shirt to the games. No one gives a shit that you went to Merrimack College.
These games are LOOOOOOOONG. Timeouts are 45 seconds longer, and the breaks in between games are 7 minutes longer than a regular season doubleheader. Trust me, its adds up, especially when:
? NO BOOZE SERVED! Yes, the NCAAís are dry events. While Iím no champion of $7 Bud Light drafts served in plastic cups, sometime you just need a beer. This was especially true on Friday, AKA St. Patrickís Day. The lengths people went to get drunk during Fridayís 2-hour intermission was truly disturbing. The closest bars (Chickie & Peteís, Bullyís at The Spectrum, & McFaddenís at The Ballpark) were so packed there were LINES outside. Those who knew the city hoped the Broad Street Line to other watering holes, my crew ended up at TritoneÖothers traveled further.
? There is no music played over the PA during timeouts, only the sweet sounds of each schoolís pep band. While all the standards came out during the 15+ hours of game play, some of rockís best & worse were covered:
HITS:
Black Sabbath
Led Zeppelin
The Police
Pink Floyd
Green Day
Earth, Wind & Fire (not once but TWICE! Two different songs!)

MISSES:
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
J. Giels Band
Miami Sound Machine
The Offspring

Finally, Iíll leave you with 3 sightings:
? Kevin McHale walked in at the same time I arrived on Friday. He was heckled endlessly, but was as cool a customer. He was probably drunkÖor just hung out with The Chief! (Wink-wink-elbow-elbow)
? Ashley Judd, Kentuckyís #1 Fan, was in a super-box for both of UKís gamesÖsorta lame until you realize she would have been groped en masse by DUDE NATION.
? I ran into old friend, and ESPNís resident Bracketologist, Joe Lunardi, man does THIS guy have best gig ever.

Thatís about it; stay tuned to the site later this week as we begin: CHOKEWATCH: VILLANOVA.

Go Mid-Majors!

Love,

Jersey Dan

Anyone who cares to chime in about this topic can contact the Jerz at jerseydan@gmail.com.

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