What with New Jersey somehow managing to make itself an even shittier place to be in these last days, suddenly, many Philadelphians are asking, “Yo, what the fuck is up with OUR smoking ban?” Here at Philebrity, we see this as a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses of the worst kind. The logic of today’s Daily News editorial presumes lots of things, cheif among them being that not smoking is good for you and that people are happier and healthier when they are not smoking. Seems to us, though, that those folks up in the ivory towers at the DN don’t know much about livin’. And listen: We don’t even smoke. But this we know for sure: We like to drink. And our friends who like to drink usually like to smoke, too. Drinkin’ brings in a lot of money for this town, and with the whole rest of the world suddenly donning a baby bonnet and getting sooooooo upset about smoking, we could seriously turn ourselves into Smoke City, USA, and make a goddamned bundle. Surely this has gone through the one brain that City Council collectively might be able to piece together on a clear day. And already it’s working: Each weekend, all of New Jersey goes to Second Street and smokes their ugly monocultured faces off. And what about all those New Yorkers we’re welcoming these days? Do you honestly think they’re not bragging to their friends over IM, “OMG! YOU CAN SMOKE HERE AND NO ONE FUCKS WITH YOU!” To Nutter, Kenney and the rest of the brain trust: This is a wave we should ride, dudes. We’re all going to die anyway, and this whole town smokes like chimneys anyway, and you know that once you guys pass this fucking thing, it’s only gonna engender more corruption and payoffs anyway, so why not let smoking dogs smoke? It could, like, be our thing. Philadelphia: We like to smoke. Think it over. Take your time.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 19th, 2006 at 1:33 pm.