Dear God, Please Have Mercy On All Of Our Souls…
OK, listen, we know we have dragged our feet on this. But it’s finally time for TOP 10 PHILLY MYSPACE SLUTS OF 2005. It was hard work sifting though all the profiles, and one thing we can say is, judging a contest like this is essentially impossible. Because there is just something about Myspace that makes everyone who’s on the damn thing Mr. or Mrs. Slutiverse. That’s just an odd quirk of Myspace. But you know what? It’s good. Myspace will die one day, things will settle down, and millions ‚Äî literally millions ‚Äî of people will be thinking to themselves on their deathbeds, “You know what? I had a decent run. I fell in love a few times, I did some wrong shit nobody ever found out about, and for a while in like ‘04/’05/’06, I got more ass than a toliet seat because of that stupid Myspace thing.”
So it is with great pride, Philadelphia, that we say:
May the sluts be with you.
And if you think we’re gonna go another second without slutting out our profile, you’re friggin’ crazy.
THE TOP TEN PHILLY MYSPACE SLUTS OF 2005: BEING A COMPENDIUM OF DUBIOUS EVERYTHING
10. All bands.
Why does every band on Myspace adopt the desperate tone of a horny fat girl? It is the very opposite of cool. I don’t know, whatever, maybe that is cool, but God, most of these bands suck. Thank God they’re putting them all on this new Myspace Records label. It’ll be like of entire colony of would-not-go-see- you-in-a-million-years lepers.
[Pictured: Starskream. Have at it, kids.]
9. Strappy Larry
Strappy Larry nominated his own god-damn self. “I’d like to nominate myself as a myspace whore. Cause I hate cowboy boots and never reply to messages,” he said, “but sure do have some friends.” He went on to say a bunch of shit where it was like, it might have sort of been like he was trying to put a burn on us, but it was one of those situations where he was doing such a bad job that it was just kind of embarassing in the “why did you even bother?” kind of way. People write into Philebrity a lot and do shit like this. Or sometimes they just blow column inches in the Weekly on it, which is better, since you get paid that way. Anyway, whatever. Strappy Larry wants to breathe the rarifired air of a Myspace Sluts of Philly? Let him have it. It’s that kind of party.
8. Chinese Roulette
All of the other winners in the Myspace Slut Top Ten can, for the most part, consider themselves dissed. At least in the sense of “not praised.” But my man Chinese Roulette is on some next-level Myspace Slut shit. I seriously cannot even comprehend it. This man is beautiful and strange and, just, sigh. Chinese Roulette is the Cremaster of Myspace profiles. To love him is to utter a divine prayer of thanks for the modern world itself.
7. dmarie: GROUNDSCORE: EKLEKTIC
dmarie: GROUNDSCORE: EKLEKTIC (when you say it, yes, you have to take a small pause for the colons) is almost on that Chinese Roulette level of weird Myspace Slut divinity. Except where Chi-Roul is a mystery of future times, D:G:E is a love letter from a time we all know too well: Electronica. That’s right, D likes drum ‘n’ bass. It’s OK. We all did. But here’s the weird thing: She spins at places like CBGBs. I don’t understand how that works, and I don’t want to understand how that works. I’m also picking up a vague “industrial” vibe from her as well, but I don’t wanna know about that either. Any way you like, though, this lady is all over the Myspace (she also appears to live in 3 cities simultaneously) and it’s this view into this whole other world that I think I wouldn’t be able truly to spend any time in unless I was, say, the only English speaker in the room.
6. Dana
Dana seems nice, but dear God she’s sluttin’ it up in Myspace Town these days. Dana’s deal is that she basically shills for seriously the lamest-ass Grape Street bands ever. (Go listen to the song that’s on her profile right now. I SWEAR TO GOD IT’S A COLLECTIVE SOUL SONG.) Which puts her in a funny position: If any of these bands were good ‚Äî even passable ‚Äî you’d look at the posts and go, “Awesome Dana! Hookin’ me up with the k-now-ledge once again!” But instead, there is this awkard silence in the air where the total bastard inside your brain is all condescending and saying shit like, “Wow, Dana, that’s awesome that you like music.”
5. Origivation Magazine
So, if you’ve never seen the actual Origivation magazine, let me paint you a picture: You know that guy (or guys) at Sam Ash who are Obviously In A Band? And how you can tell by looking at the guy that he has actually used the phrase “pop meets blues and soul, but you know, alternative?” Ok. Imagine that guy multiplying. Blip! Blip! Blip! Ok, and now, eventually, there is like a whole scene of these guys, and they all play like all the worst bars in the world ‚Äî you know, Finnegan’s, strip mall shit, all of that. Eventually, there must be a magazine to write about alll of these bands. Even, honestly, just for anthropological purposes. Origivation is that magazine, and they are serious about that shit, yo. So they wrap themselves in the “indie” flag and just go for it. Man, they be poundin’ that bulletin board and comments. POUNDIN’ IT, YOU HEAR ME! NOW FUCKING MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT AND BRING YOUR FRIEND! WE’RE GOING TO SEE SOME FUCKING TOTALLY AWESOME ORIGINAL MUSIC!
4. Violet Temper
Tell you what: We’re putting Violet here in the Top 10 on the strength of her Myspace photo alone. Because it is one thing to be the bald chick with the spacers and the ankh tattoos. And it is another, separate thing to be all bloody and holding a machete. But when you are the bald chick with the spacers and the ankh tattoos AND you’re all bloody and holding a machete, fuck it. We’re going to do anything you say.
3. Just Like Kevin
Wethinks Kev might be the only straight man in this whole thing, which is ironic because, seriously, do we really have to explain it? Anyway, it couldn’t go to a better dude. Just Like Kevin’s a photographer and bartender (Ministry, ladies), and he just has W-I-N-G-M-A-N written all over him. But guess again, foolish women! Kev’s like the doppelwinger because just when you think that you’re going to sleep with his friend from that band, bam! You wake up and dude is making you pancakes and showing you contact sheets and it’s 4 in the afternoon and you’ve never felt prettier in your whole life.
2. Julia
Dear Myspace, it’s me, Philebrity. Who the fuck ARE some of these people? Julia gets on the list just because to us, she represents some hole in the time-space continuum between Philebrity and like the entire rest of America who is not reading this. And yet, she’s our Myspace friend. Julia, of course, is a model, and while we are all about pretty people, I guess you can tell from this list that we are all about, uh, banged-up pretty people. Julia hangs up on Rittenhouse and muses a lot on her profile about something called “the singles scene,” which, as we understand it, is this thing where people go on dates and it’s all very awkward and proper, which seems to fly in the face of not only the Philebrity position on these matters, but also against the very nature of Myspace itself: Aren’t you supposed to just meet people on this thing and fuck them and then feel totally OK about being a total asshole about it later? Because it’s on a computer? Oh dear. I’ve said too much.
1. Bobby Deluxe
Ok. I think we have a winner: Bobby Deluxe has, as of this writing, 1482 friends. You don’t rack ‘em up like that without walking through life just a little bit worried that you might be THE NUMBER ONE PHILLY MYSPACE SLUT OF 2005. But on the other hand, where Bobby has gotten in his life with this thing is really quite remarkable. So kudos, Bobby, and, not for nothing, WOW, you are a very, very gay man. Bobby’s profile is tricked out with video clips, pictures of Madonna, lots and LOTS of shirtless guys, and if space aliens ever kidnapped me in the night and said, “Listen, we’re pretty much done down here, and we’d like to leave, honestly, but we still don’t have a fix on what gay guys are really into,” I would just show them Bobby’s profile and we would all be so, so happy. I love you, Bobby Deluxe.
