“Welcome To Our Family Of Erotic Texting,” And Other Delights
It took us a while, as Americans, to learn what our European friends have known for years already: Text messaging is the shit. But in 2005, text messaging in America broke out by 154%. People who never thought theyíd bother were suddenly poppiní thumbs in the night like a Bryn Mawr sleepover party when they realized, holy shit, this can totally get you laid.
But itís not just the punani that kept us T9-iní like wild in the ë05. Friends and just people who had your number alike (hey, we stand guilty as charged) started using texting as both a convenient way to promote parties private and public, as well as an amazingly efficient way to talk shit on people in this very room. Shhh! Evil, we know, but whatever.
What lots of folks discovered, though, was that thereís a secret and strange kind of poetry that the medium lends itself to, especially when, you know, itís 3am and words get really real, dude. Thatís what we looked for when we asked you for the best texts you recieved in 2005. Well, that, and you just being totally insane.
Impossible midnight poetry of the text message, we salute you! Long may you run. Until it gets old. So without further ado…
PHILEBRITYíS TOP TEN TEXT MESSAGES OF 2005!
10.
A few weeks ago I recieved a text message from a friend about some not so pure cocaine. The text is as follows. ìI pooped 5 x’s last night and 5 x’s today. What the fuck? ì
9.
the best text i got in 2005?
i was fighting with my on-again-off-again boy, he wrote:
“cum fuck or shut up”
nasty, huh?
8.
“Did you know that brain tissue uses 16% more energy than muscle tissue? Brain over brawn. For real. At rest, brain uses 20-25% of our energy. Amazing.”
7.
“There is a certain power in the music of the Bee Gees. I don’t know what it is but I am scared. More than a Woman makes me weak.”
6.
“I know you received our service. You now owe Fantasy Entertainment texting 25 cents (US) or one case quarter. Welcome to our family of erotic texting.” (That one scared me just a little. I’m not even going to print the one that preceeded that one.)
5.
“When do you get back? We need to do gravity bongs and listen to prince jazzbo and wear footie pajamas.”
4.
“Like a mothe to the flame, burned by the fire…The slow grilled Snacker quenches my desire.
3.
“Currently…LOVING TURKEYS.”
2.
I recieved this one after losing someone by accident†on the dance floor at a making time.
†”u suck. fuck u 4 inviting me, u cunt!”
†Fortunately the text is so obsurd that my friends and I have taken it to a new level and now use it†in reference to just about everything.† My response to it was “wow”… that’s all I could say.
AND NOW, THE TOP TWO TEXT MESSAGES OF THE YEAR! ITíS A TIE!
Here’s my favorite text message this year, sent to me 9/15. I had the flu and got constant newsflashes from my friends (names changed to protect the innocent):
“Britney had baby boy nmd Preston. Is still fat. JANE got ringworm, told her to leave Manayunk. Good luck w/ ur bird flu.”
“I alright. Still kick it smooth like dolphin pussy.”
And there you have it. You know what, Philadelphia? You alright. Kick it smooth like dolphin pussy. Tomorrow: Philebrityís Year In Music.
