T.O. Madlibs: And The Winner Is…
Yesterday, we asked you, dear readers, to help us get a little closer to believing the actual bullshit that was coming out of T.O.’s mouth. Any good psychologist will tell you that the best way to do this is by taking the real words, filling them in with blanks and then filling those blanks in with the most ridiculous shit anyone could think of. So behold: T.O. madlibs. In return, we said, we’d hook up two lucky winners with some tickets to see Super Furry Animals at the TLA tonight. It’s not a Superbowl ring, but then again, 90% of Philebrity staff doesn’t even understand what football actually is or how it is played. So this is as good as it’s gonna get.
Winners and their entries after the jump.
Malachy Egan, come on down! You’re our first runner-up:
Terrell Owens said today that “it really hurts me not to be† a parish priest†anymore,” and apologized to Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid,†his parishioners and Eagles management.
Owens was suspended for†pederasty†by Eagles head coach Andy Reid, who announced yesterday that the talented but erratic wide receiver would not be†kiddyfiddling even after that suspension was completed.
Owens read from a prepared statement, citing his respect for Donovan McNabb and repeatedly apologizing to “anyone offended” by his remarks last last week, when he again criticized† The Archdiocese and called the corrupt†organization “Completely whack.”
“I want to reiterate my respect for Donovan McNabb as a†friend and a lover,” Owens said. “I apologize to him for any remarks that may have offended him.”
Owens did not take†a child during the brief press conference from the†frieze of his Moorestown, N.J., home.
Owens’ agent,†Pastor Emeritus†Francis Statkus, also made a statement and said he hoped Owens would play again for the Eagles, hopefully as soon as Monday night’s game against the gays.
Statkus†was critical of the media coverage of Owens, calling it “unfair,” as his voice often rose to a near-shout.
The facilitator also said he continued to support Owens, and that he should be forgiven for making a raspberry. He offered to answer reporters’ questions, but deflected most of them with a sharp: “COCK.”
Not bad, right? But jeez-louise, it’s Matt Goldfine who’s taking the cake today.
Owens: I’m sorry this has happened
Terrell Owens said today that “It really hurts me not to be producing many a hard-on at Chickie and Pete’s anymore,” and apologized to Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid, the blind recorder-playing lady with the cold sores from Rittenhouse and Eagles management.
Owens was suspended for giving a hummer at Fort Mifflin by Eagles head coach Andy Reid, who announced yesterday that the talented but erratic wide receiver would not be playing dress up on Ridge Ave anymore, even after that suspension was completed.
Owens read from a prepared statement, citing his respect for Donovan McNabb and repeatedly apologizing to “anyone offended” by his remarks last week, when he again criticized his own mother for being a slut and called the Eagles organization “A bunch of racist mother fuckers
who can’t just let a nigga be.”“I want to reiterate my respect for Donovan McNabb as a dude whose braids make him look like a Williams sister and a man who gives one helluva towel snap in the locker room,” Owens said. “I apologize to him for any remarks that may have offended him.”
Owens did not take off that smug grin he does that makes him look likethe rabbit from Donnie Darko during the brief press conference from the batcave of his Moorestown, N.J., home.
Owens’ agent, Drew “Deez Nuts” Rosenhaus, also made a statement and said he hoped Owens would play again for the Eagles, hopefully as soon as Monday night’s game against the queers from Tey-has.
Kvetching even from his grave, Johnnie Cochran was critical of the media coverage of Owens, calling it “unfair,” as his voice often rose to a near-shout.
The ghost of Ron White also said he continued to support Owens, and that he should be forgiven for making a poopy in the pantyhose that he insists on wearing at practice. He offered to answer reporters’ questions, but deflected most of them with a sharp: “Sorry guys, since I’m not playin’ anymore I rolled a big fatty before this press conference.”
That was really next level. Thank you, gentlemen. You complete us.
Related: Trouble Everyday Mad Libs
