“Yeah, baby, that’s right. See this space between my hands, Terrell? First, I want you to put all your desire for more money in that space. Then, I want you to take a shit in that same space. Whichever one weighs more when you’re done is the one you get to take home. That’s right, [...]

Okay, maybe I missed something. The man signed a contract worth more than $46 million. He got around $9 million up front. And he needs more money to take care of his family?
Jeez! I knew he was from Alabama. I just didn’t know he was related to everybody in the state! [...]

>>> Did the Great Ghost of Y-100 really pull the plug on this year’s Feztival? Fuckin’ A! Talk about Coitus Rockus Suckus Interrutuptus!
>>> Jessica Pressler leaving her town, or her job, or something? Fuck!
>>> Who’s going to be the incoming Philebrity guest editor? Fuck if we know!

A friend of ours was just saying the other day: You know how on commercials for maxipads, they’re always pouring that placid blue liquid on, as some kind of simulated menstrual flow? Well, our friend says that there’d be a lot more proof in the pudding if they used SALSA. Chunky, red delicious salsa. I [...]

Click through for the first-ever Stay Loose Mixtape!

Finally. Finally, the damn Inky did something right. Hot on the heels of yesterday’s court decision, they’ve put up a keyword-searchable engine that spits out nothing but FBI transcripts. For instance, let’s say you love yourself some Ron White, like we do. Hey, but you also might be getting curious about Melanie Miles. Hey, [...]

You know, the young people today, with their hippin’ and their hoppin’ and their bippin’ and their boppin’, they get sneezy, and their eyes get all watery and they need their soft young boobies touched by a man in a giant panda sweater…
Sorry. We just couldn’t help ourselves.
DN: Cos Pushes Benadryl Pops
Related: The Philebrity Cos-Chives

>>>Yes, we have indeed heard the new Spoon record. While not as testicle-smashingly awesome as the new Doves record, it does have its finer moments. But we’re not really the best people to talk to about that; rather, you should holler at those Plain Parade ladies, who’ve been loading up on Spoon hormone supplements for [...]

AFTRA members will be signing up to assist both off-air and on-camera employees at CBS-3 who have been working without a contract for a year and a half. AFTRA writers and producers will describe their frustration at below- market wages. Anchors and reporters say management insists on reducing their compensatory time off.
This sounds so [...]

Oh, you know, just laying it down in Berlin at the Mai Riots. Like you do.
Related: Got Goats?
(Thanks to Dave from Swearing At Motorists for sending this one in.)

Never trust a D.A, making promises on your living room floor, especially if they’re sitting Indian-style:
After the race’s only televised debate over Mother’s Day weekend, incumbent Lynne Abraham disputed challenger Seth Williams’ assertion that she’d once promised to support him for her office, prompting Williams’ mother, Imelda, to enter the fray.
“When my husband passed in [...]

Editors Note: Dude, we totally hate doing the weekend picks. It’s a pain in the ass, it takes HOURS, and we much prefer going out during the week anyway. So this week, we asked our buddy Laura Fields to do ‘em this week. Laura runs that BewitchedBy.com website, which seeks to help discerning youngish people [...]

Shit, man, it’s been forever since we even thought about that album Allen Iverson made and then shelved a few years back because he was such a lame rapper that all he could spit was faggot-this and faggot-that. Then, yesterday, we got all psyched when we came across an mp3 of one of the tunes, [...]

Oh, and you thought we were kidding when we said we wanted your teenage Zipperhead memories. We weren’t. This first slice of alt-rock nostalgia comes to us courtesy of Name Withheld, who dates the photo at around 1989. “It was about this time of the year, and I was with my friend Antoinette, and we [...]

Adrenaline junkies, hold on to your seats ó Kingda Ka is coming.
The world’s tallest and fastest roller coaster, rocketing riders 456 feet straight up at 128 m.p.h., is almost ready to debut at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, N.J.
We hear they’re breaking it in this weekend with a ceremonial sneaker-related shooting.
Inky: Taller [...]

Hung up on MOVE Nostalgia, the Peeple Paper is running a 100-page MOVE freakout today, filled with lots of juicy bits and old chestnuts about the time Mumia swallowed a dozen goldfish and then threw them up all over Dean Bitterman’s trousers at the big football game. Better still, there’s the requisite Where Are The [...]

>>> Everybody, shut the fuck up for a second and respekanize: We gringos have zero rights celebrating Cinco de Mayo. To even say it in your funny little I-took-Spanish accent while hitting on whoever near your cubicle borders on hate speech, so just take what you can fucking get. Luckily, there’s Paper Street/DJ Diabolic’s thing [...]

The sign on the sidewalk on Ninth Street near Montrose clearly states that anybody in the vicinity consents to his or her “voice and likeness being used without compensation… for exploitation in any and all media whether now known or hereafter devised.”
Why do we already hate this show?
Inky: Why Do We Already Have Our Tongue [...]

WHAT’S-A-MATTA-YOU?

Love is like farting in a crowded elevator / People may not see who’s doing it / But they sure can smell it
Deep.
CP: We Swear To God, They Actually Gave It A Decent Review