Friday:
>>> Jump start the fun with the AKA Music Grand Opening Party featuring Man Man with DJs Julia Factorial and The Butler. Oh, but you read the flyer, so you know that already. What you don’t know is that if this party is as much fun as the last one held at the new store, [...]

Ann Coulter: Hooked On Hate-Fuckability!

Ack!
The snakehead fish, which tends to eat everything in its path, can live outside water for several days and wiggle on land for short distances. The fish’s strange abilities and appearance earned it the nickname “Frankenfish.”
According to the Fish and Boat Commission, the fish has a torpedo-shaped body, a flattened pointy [...]

So says Will Bunch who’s connected the dots and found Little Ricky to be on some serious — and seriously creepy — DaVinci Code trip, cavorting with Opus Dei post-9-11 and all. You know, like you do. And it kind of makes sense:
Other controversial aspects of Opus Dei include promoting celibacy for several classes of [...]

You owe us $12. Our beloved grandmother (95 years young!) was visiting from her venerable Yugoslavian home and she said, “Hey boys, I’ve got a matter of minutes left on this great green ball and I need to taste life one last lonely time.” We assumed she was talking booze. Lucky day, we’d just read [...]

>>> What with DJ Darshana going back to Mother India for an indefinite spell (do they have a Khyber there?), for a hot second, it looked like Return of The Last Love, the party she hosted with sister Chetana, might die on the vine. But fans of tropicalia, psych, and various other iterations of La [...]

Confession time: For like the past two years, while all of you Johnny New-Wave types have been harping on how great Gang of Four were, oooh, and how influential and angular they were, we’ve been biting our tongues, not really wanting to get into how stupid a lot of these new bands that namecheck them [...]

You may have noticed the ongoing construction on South Broad Street, between Sansom and Walnut Streets.† As you are no doubt aware, this block is part of the Avenue of the Arts, one of the most successful adventures of the Rendell administration, and one of the most successful projects in Philadelphia’s recent history.† It included [...]

Look at this logo. Does it make you feel empowered? Does it make you feel special? That’s funny, because to us, it says “cheesesteaks and fajitas.” The pandering inherent in this whole “Philly Women” section is bad enough; could they at least not make the thing look like the tag in your sweatpants?
Philly.com: Doing A [...]

Raised in the Elmhurst section of Queens, N.Y., Bolling does not speak in the deliberate, sterile cadence that many press secretaries adopt. Rather, she pontificates aggressively, refers to the mayor as a “cat,” and occasionally terminates phone calls by saying “holla,” or “I’ll holla,” depending on who is expected to call whom.
Oh, this is going [...]

>>> Is the Archdiocese of Philadelphia intentionally fucking with new brides to get them in a twist about Jesus and tradition all while scoring points with the new PopeReich(tm)? Weee! That’s what you get for reading The Knot, you God-fearing breeders.
>>> Philly: Most depressed city. Again.
>>> And guess which improv troupe got the pissiest the [...]

Sorry, but no matter what, it’s just not funny. Oh, you like watching all the shuckin’ and jivin’ on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or going to those zany ComedSportz shows where they pick you out of the audience so you can be uncomfortable with the way some goateed waste of life in his mid-30s [...]

Apparently, no human law can hold these titans of Dockers-wit from their jangly-nerves merrymaking:
FORMER Y100 morning hosts Preston Elliot and Steve Morrison are now free to go on-air at their new station, 93.3 WMMR.[...] They were contractually forbidden to join ‘MMR until the end of August. Because Y100 no longer exists, in March they sued [...]

Alright now, this is getting ridiculous. A week later, and still no word.
E-mail speculation about Malpass’ unexplained absence ranges from plastic surgery to problems with ‘PVI management to her protracted divorce proceedings from builder David Cutler.
Malpass’ colleagues are bewildered, too. They haven’t been given any details, according to a veteran reporter, speaking on condition of [...]

>>> Oh, don’t even act like you don’t know: Tuesday means Stay Loose, our weekly detour into wild irresponsibility and freaky madness. Tonight’s guests? The Trauma Queens. Totally. Expect garage, punk, psych, beard, fringe, coke, speed, weed, pills, thrills and bellyaches. Actually, fuck that. No bellyachin’ on this trip. 9pm, The Khyber, free. $1 High [...]

What’s the story, Morning Glory? Snarf. Thanks to everyone who entered The Great Strawbridges Limerick Contest. Joe Orton would have been proud of you all; we’ve never seen such melifluous loo poetry. Two lucky winners will receive a Nirvana DVD/poster/postcard pack courtesy our buds at Cornerstone Promotions. And here are the winners!
Anne Leavitt-Gruberger, come [...]

Just saying. I mean, suppose you were one of the 5 different people we offend daily. Why would you wait that long to take us out? I mean, what are you, some kind of pussy?
Stanford A. Douglas Jr. told police that, for seven years, he thought about killing William L. Berkeyheiser over a perceived racial [...]

Prompted by a panel discussion that’s going down tonight (sorry, poor choice of words) at the Prince, Will Bunch attacks the question as if he’s putting out a fire. A hilarious, flaming fire, with lots of quotes from people who desperately want to figure out if Lincoln was gay or not.
But Percy, who is [...]

>>> Go to the Khyber and wow people with your iPod on-the-go skillz at Playlist Philadelphia. Winners get awesome prizes and an extra-special beatdown by real DJs who know their time is up.
>>> Lush Puppy & Ryder host an evening of live bluegrass with The Half Brothers at Silk City. Beards-a-poppin’!
>>> And there’s Pop Rock [...]

Ok, well, when the big story about the Strawbridge and Clothier men’s room being a portal to Dionysian paradise broke on Friday, we were already out the door. Our bad. But we’re gonna try to make good. If you are a bored-at-work reader, we implore you to pen your very own limerick about the story. [...]