>>> Spare yourself the disheartening scene reports of last week’s SXSW from Village Voice reporters who hate sex and have no style; Maria T’s got you covered.
>>> Not enough Schiavo for you this week? Or maybe you’re just a local douche freelancer looking for that ever-elusive “local angle”? Fear not: There’s a new local indie [...]

34th Street on the Bob & Barbara’s Drag Show.

Philadelphia police Detective Terrence Sweeney acted as a hit man and contacted Koutsoubos. Quoting a fee of $12,000, he demanded $3,000 in advance. When the two met for the payoff - in front of the Cathedral of Sts. Peter and Paul - Koutsoubos told Sweeney she had a surprise for him: a $500 bonus.
“Detective Sweeney [...]

>>> Get into that deep, dark Czech O.G. metaphysical funk as violinist Hilary Hahn gets her angry-melancholy on with The Philadelphia Orchestra. 8pm, The Kimmel Center.
>>> Meanwhile, it’s the last installation of Return Of The Last Love for a while, as one half of its team, Darshana hightails it to India for a spell. [...]

So you, know, first things first: What’s all this Sideways/Wine Country stuff we’ve been hearing about? Oh, wait, they’re actually answering! Shit, no, don’t! We were kidding! KIDDING!
CP: So You Wanna Jump The White Hot Paul Giamatti Bandwagon, Huh?

Apparently, hot, young closeted hosts and ancient leather(faced) daddies aren’t pinko enough for Will Bunch. On his new-ish blog Attytood (we know, we know), he takes some pretty stinky Terry Schiavo bait and detects a freshly minted right-lean for CNN.
Attytood: More Gay Plastic Surgery Flag-Burning Disasters, Please

>>> It’s nice when dudes hang. Tonight, Gerhardt Koerner (of Hi-Soft), Jeff “Zigz” Zeigler and Ian Fraser (Relay) and Pavlov Gregoravich (Greg from Last Wave/The Ropers) are all hanging together. They’re trading songs and feelings, and especially songs about feelings. DJ Mickey Walker will doing his thing in-between sets. We bet that even
Bader will be [...]

Hey, not for nothing, it’s been a long while since we did a Cute Boy Alert or Ask Dr. Philebrity. So put on your chickenhawk shoes, Chester, and send those delicious lovelies our way. And questions of any stripe will be entertained. Maybe.

And that’s just the beginning of the atrocities.
PW: Ultra Gay Neighborhood Smackdown!

>>> Who’s-a-next! We’re getting reports that Joe’s Pizza is back and a-spicy!
>>> Lord Whimsy’s getting a book deal in the UK? Our hearts doth swoon!
>>> Fuck electroclash and acid folk: These days, we’re really into M.I.A./Mario Brothers mashups.

Doc Johnson’s is closing.
The pornography emporium has been a fixture at the corner of 13th and Arch Streets for more than 25 years, offering a veritable plethora of porn - dirty books, sexual devices, and peep shows (live and on tape).
Inky: The Doctor Is OUT

>>> Well, you have to hand it to DeeJay DJ and Bob D: They’re raffling off a cool hundred at their rollerstake-jam/rockstar freakout tonight at Silk City. (See flyer.)
>>> Meanwhile, Stay Loose welcomes back our buddies Audible from tour as they spin co-ed rock jams and drink all the drinks that drinkers can drink. Upstairs [...]

Iíve never in my life seen such a fine selection of boxed wines on tap.
That’s funny, because we were going to say we’ve never seen such a fine selection of whiney boxes on tap. Snarf.
Wookified: Get Uked!

And why won’t those fuckers at Philebrity spell my name right on their links list?! Where’s my pudding?
Byko: Dear Mr. Mayor, I LOVE GUNS!

Bot not as much as to-mor-row!
Bar owner Daniel Flynn, 36, was arrested after, according to a police report, locking a large group of minors in his one-bedroom apartment on the fourth floor of the building to hide them from police. Police had initially responded to a call about loud music when they saw underage folks [...]

Hear us now and forever: No feeding tube. Let us go into that soft light.

All-in trip to Cancun: $758.
Sweet Vuarnet shades: $53.
Grooving to Black Eyed Peas while “hot wetbacks” wait on you: $30
Texting mom while on GHB: $20 for 1500 messages a month.
Convincing Muffy you’re now down with “reclaiming your virginity”: Priceless.
DailyPennsylvanian: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Red-And-Yellow Polka-Dot Wartini

>>> Missed them the first time around, when Bush was president, the economy was in the shitter, and all your friends were depressed and freaked out? Well, fool you once, shame on us: The Slint reunion tour hits the TLA tonight.
>>> Not enough of a flashback for you? a.d. amorosi spins at Bar Noir.
>>> Or [...]

Hot on the heels of the most shoot-’em-up week in recent memory…
New Orleans officials met with Philadelphia officials on Monday as part of an ongoing effort to launch the Louisiana city’s own Neighborhood Transformation Initiative modeled after Philadelphia’s.
PBJ: Oh, Just 22 Dead In 11 Days? My, Philadelphia, How DO You Do It?