You know you want it.
12:42pm: Oh shit, we heard this would be coming down the pike: the long-overdue (when you think about it) “Y100 is dead/Long live Y100Rocks” alt-weekly cover story in which someone, anyone gets saddled with the whole story of the poor, beleagured corporate suck-up station and how, when you realize how much they love the music, maaaaaan, they’re really niiiiiiiiiiice guysssssssssssss. Let’s see how it goes.
12:46pm: Ok, he’s treating Preston Elliot like a human being. This could be bad.
12:47pm: “The opening strains of Pearl Jam’s ‘Alive’ ring out. Eddie Vedder warbles, ‘Son, she said, have I got a little story for you.’ This is not a good sign.” No shit, Sherlock, it’s fucking Pearl Jam. They’re the fucking sweatpants of rock.
12:49pm: “Preston and Steve will be replaced by a morning team called Monie and Pooch.” The hackles of race, officially raised.
12:50pm: Oooh, wow, the promotions director turned down a job working for The Beat. You know, because hip-hop is so commercial, and the work he was doing with those Matchbox Twenty promos was really sticking it to The Man.
12:52pm: Now begins the part of the story where Y-100 employees start blaming all the sucky music they played on consultants and all crediting all the good stuff that got played to themselves. While this is true, it’s sort of like saying, “But honestly, officer, I was spraying GOOD graffiti all over the Holy Church of Rock ‘n’ Roll!” You didn’t see this coming, did you?
12:53pm: BUT Y100 ISN’T DEAD! IT LIVES! RARRRRRRR!
12:54pm: Oh, this is an interesting tidbit: “[Y100Rocks.com] according to www.register.com, was purchased nine days before the station shut down.” So much for the whole, “We had no idea! We was blindsided by the evil URBAN people!” angle.
12:59pm: “Critics can say what they will about Y100; its former employees are putting up a fight. And say what you will about white college kids; they get fired up about their Weezer.”
1:00pm: Oh no. Hot Hot Heat has arrived! Lock up your white belts!
1:01pm: “This Saturday broadcast is a ‘Party Show.’ Joining Romaine and Landow tonight will be part-time jock Alan Dean and Christine Pawlak, aka Electra, Y100’s assistant music director and 7 p.m.-to-midnight host. Screwdrivers are poured. Cans of Lite are popped.” Bibles are passed around, and then everyone jerks off to the Kings Of Leon spread in last week’s Rolling Stone.
1:02pm: Former employees reflect on how, like, totally boring and un-gravytrain not working at Y100 is.
1:03pm: Audioslave name drop. I am convinced that, at this point, Brian Howard is just saying the names of these bands to get his friends who are reading to crack up. Message received, dude.
1:05pm: “During the evening, those gathered in this “fortress of solitude” reminisce about their favorite Feztivals (Y100’s series of mega concerts) and Sonic Sessions (its series of live-in-studio band sessions).” Yeah, totally. I loved the one where, like, all the white people were walking around with laminates, and they had that one band, with the lead singer, who was like kinda hot but definitely, you know, not in a gay way.
1:06pm: Holy shit! Did you know that Jim McGuinn DISCOVERED The Jam and REM? No, wait. Sorry.
1:07pm: “I thought [REM] had promise,” laughs McGuinn, “if only they’d rock a little more.” This is the douchiest thing that has ever been said in all of Douchedom.
1:08pm: “It’s about Philadelphia being the biggest city in America without an alternative rock station.” Put that into a bill, and I would totally sign it!
1:09pm: History lesson: Telecommunications Act, etc. This better be going somewhere SEXY, pal.
1:10pm: “In Philadelphia, Y100 seems to have fallen victim to what could be called urban radio warfare.” Race war! See you Weezer pantywaists IN THE STREETS! Holla!
1:11pm: We are now mired in the whole “How can this be?’ part of the story now. Go into the light.
1:13pm: “Furthermore, new and forthcoming albums by format staples Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Weezer, Queens of the Stone Age, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead and others promise to jump-start flagging ratings.” Hah-hah. You just said Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Weezer, Queens of the Stone Age, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Radiohead.
1:14pm: “”How come the top 10 groups control half the radio stations and half the listening and half the audience? Tell me that that’s fair and balanced!” Yeah, it’s like, could you imagine what it would be like if there were only like 3 major labels and all the bands they had sucked, so it got so bad that the big labels had to PAY radio stations to play these records? I mean, that would be fucked up!
1:17pm: Oh yes, here comes the quote from the Clear Channel dude about how great Y100 was. Bring it, son!
1:18pm: Whoa, hold on, Sutcliffe. They were tapping you for a quote. Nobody said you could stay the night.
1:19pm: Terrestrial radio is dead anyway! Right? Right? Seriously, guys. Right?
1:20pm: Namedrops of Ted Leo, The Clash and Bob Marley. Headgames.
1:21pm: “‘Whenever I would go to Best Buy, I’d change all the radio stations [in the electronics department] to Y100,’ says Electra.” That’s nice, honey. Whenever I go to Best Buy, I count how many people are beating their kids.
1:22pm: “‘Whenever I’d test drive a car, I’d set the presets to Y100,’ offers Romaine.” Dude, that’s so awesome. You know why? Because THE BEAT sounds awesome in cars. Seriously.
CP: Insert Pearl Jam Reference Here
Philebrity’s Greatest Hits: The Y100 Memorial Wing

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 31st, 2005 at 1:22 pm.