Clinton Visits, Gives Props To Iggles, Turns Kerry On To “Thick Philly Jawns”
Our man on the scene reports:
Thousands of white people took to the streets of Center City Monday to witness the greatest stump of them all. That’s right, slick Willy Clinton was in town to lend his support in the final days of John Kerry’s presidential campaign. Most people arrived promptly at 10AM only to learn that nothing would start for another two hours, and that their whitetickets meant only that they would have to stay very far away from whatever was happening down the Parkway.
The “comeback kid” as we were all widely reminded Clinton is nicknamed, roused the crowd into a veritable frenzy before Kerry bored the crap out of them. Clinton looked slim but healthy in the wake of his recent heart surgery, and he gushed extensively to the Philly masses that have been so kind to him over the years. It was widely agreed by those in attendance that no one could see anything at all, particularly as the stage was set perpendicular to the throng. Also heard screaming were Vince “Fatty Arbuckle” Fumo and Mayor John Street. Apparently Patti Labelle was there, and perhaps wailed a few notes. We might have been getting coffee or eating at Reading Terminal Market during that, but who is to say?
Although these sorts of rallys are admittedly rarely held at night, the day allowed the thousands of whites that pour into our city weekdays and clog highways in their frenzy to escape each night to show up and even mingle with the handful of frightened-looking African-American attendees. The quote of the day may have been the likening of Kerry’s campaign to our beloved Iggles, and proposing that Kerry go 6-0 just like them. Go Birds! Hope is on the way! E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles! A stronger America! Yeah!
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